


The Light In The Dark

by AmyTheWarlock



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), malec - Fandom
Genre: Alec Lightwood dyslexia, Anger Management, Bullying, Crying, Depression, Developing Relationship, Dyslexia, Foster Care, Friendship, Implied Self-Harm, Insecure Magnus Bane, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Magnus Bane in Glasses, Panic, Protective Alec Lightwood, Sad Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Slight pining, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Supportive Magnus Bane, Trigger Warnings, blossoming love, children's home, emotional scenes, finding our way in the world, magnus bane bullied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-09 15:38:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18919972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmyTheWarlock/pseuds/AmyTheWarlock
Summary: Things always seem as though they can’t get better, like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, that everything will always be the same until eventually, something changes. You don’t notice when it happens, it’s not like some big epiphany, the day turns into night, the night turns into day, the tide goes out and the tide comes in, and things change, just like that.Magnus is quiet, reserved, he keeps himself to himself and he likes it like that. He is absorbed in his own thoughts, he can deal with things how he wants, putting a barrier up between him and the false positives of 'things will get better' and the supposedly encouraging reminders that 'in two years you'll be out of here'. He was closed off, he was protecting himself.Alec is angry, angry at his parents, angry at himself, the system, heck, he’s angry at the world. If he knew that this was the way his life would pan out he'd have run away with his siblings and forged a life for them together. But when you're 16 and constantly kept in the dark, life doesn’t work like that, and now he’s here, talking with his fists and in a never-ending battle with the pain in his mind. He would never admit it, but he's never felt more alone in his life.





	1. Thunder Eyes, Sad Souls.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! 
> 
> 'The Light In The Dark' is an idea that I've been wanting to get onto paper for a while now, I've been writing it alongside '2HI' and '2H1W' but was previously quite nervous to upload it. This fic does address a number of serious issues including mental illness, there are mentions or implied mentions of self-harm and depression throughout the chapters, however, there are no detailed descriptions of the act.   
> Additionally, I will be putting trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter if there is anything specific that I think should be warned about. I don't want to upset anyone, so please read the tags and the chapter notes before reading, and if anyone needs someone to talk to me, feel free to DM me on twitter (@MalecMagic3), I'm here for anyone that needs it. 
> 
> So yeah, this fic isn't exactly a 'fluffy' one, but it does have its moments! I hope you all enjoy it and if you want to tweet along as your read use #TLITDfic. As usual, I love hearing what you have to say! 
> 
> Thank you and hope you are all well! 
> 
> Amy x

 

Chapter 1: Thunder Eyes, Sad Souls

 

_“And as I’ve aged the only thing I think has changed,_

_Is that the demons have moved from under my bed,_

_Into the inner depths of my head._

_I can’t escape the ugly things my mind creates,_

_I speculate that they’ll stay with me ‘til the grave.”_

_'Can’t Save Myself’ – As It Is._

 

* * *

 

Magnus sat at the top of the stairs, a book in his hands that he was completely absorbed in until the familiar sound of yelling and shouting came from outside the front door. He sighed at the impossible task of getting any time alone at ‘Sunnyside Children’s Home’, there was always someone fighting or screaming, or crying, he couldn’t remember the last time he was actually alone with his thoughts. Magnus jumped as the front door swung open, it squeaked loudly like it was about to come off its hinges at any moment…it probably was, which wasn’t really surprising considering the dent in the wall from the number of times it had been swung open on it.

“Alec, you need to calm down. This is not the first impression that you want to be making for yourself!”

Magnus recognised the familiar voice of his social worker, Sophie, the only constant in his life since he was 6 years old. He was surprised that she was back so soon, it had barely been a month since her last visit. Although, apparently this time she wasn’t here for him, but for this new kid that at first glance seemed to have the desire to fight with the entire world. Magnus pushed himself up from the step he was on and peeped over the banister, if there was a new kid in the house, he needed to gauge what he was like as quickly as possible, then he could decide if he was a level 10: Must avoid at all costs, or a level 1: Can engage in small talk. Needless to say, there was no one in the house that Magnus classified as more than a level 1, keeping to himself was the only way he could survive.

“I don’t give a fuck about the impression I’m making for myself, I don’t want to be here, so I’m not going to stay!”

The boy, Alec, squared up to Sophie, he looked as though he was a similar age to Magnus, but he was tall for his age and towered over Sophie’s petite figure. Magnus had barely even noticed the presence of Hodge, the man in charge of ‘Sunnyside’, stood with the group until he grabbed the new boys arms and locked them behind his back. Stopping Alec from throwing any unwanted punches. Magnus looked at his watch, 1 minute, he must be the fastest person to get restrained ever, normally the ‘angry ones’ at least gave it a couple of hours before they unleashed their dark side.

“Get your hands off me!” The boy said, twisting around trying to break free of Hodge’s grasp, he had no chance. No one escaped the grasp of Hodge, a military man who trained in martial arts every weekend.

“Alec, you have to calm down. This isn’t helping anyone,” Sophie said, her tone calm, and reassuring, like it always was, but the redness in her cheeks suggested that she was a lot less calm than she was letting on.

“How many times do I have to say it? I’m not staying here! I’m supposed to be with Jace, you said I’d be staying with Jace!”

Sophie looked down on the floor, guilt, Magnus noted. “I’m sorry about that Alec, but you know the deal, sometimes, things just don’t turn out how they were supposed to.”

“This is BULLSHIT!”

“You need to calm down, son,” Hodge inputted, “You’re not getting anywhere with this.” Hodge shifted his position on Alec, stopping him from wriggling about as much as he was before.

“What else am I supposed to do? Just let you isolate me from my family? Izzy and Max get to be together, Jace has been ‘reunited with his birth parents’ which is a load of crap because they gave him up in the first place. What do I get? Nothing! I get shoved in a group home on my own!”

Siblings. That explained the anger, they were always angry whenever they got separated, something that Magnus could understand but would never truly relate to, he’d always been on his own. He watched as Alec continued to try and fight, but it was clear that he was close to giving up, Hodge’s grip took it out of you, and the glassy look in the boy's eyes that were full of thunder suggested that he was about to break. Magnus didn’t want to see that, he’d broke enough times himself, getting involved, or watching anyone else break wasn’t something he needed to experience. He also wasn’t a dickhead and knew that if he was in Alec’s position right now, he wouldn’t want a stranger to be watching him. Magnus turned on the stairs and headed back to his room, maybe his neighbour Kayla had finally stopped with her very, very below average guitar playing.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus breathed a sigh of relief at the quietness that filled his room, arguably it wasn’t that quiet, but it was better than he could have possibly imagined. The out of tune, off-beat guitar playing from the room to his right had stopped and the only remaining sounds came from the 7-year-old twins, Caleb and Tyler, from the room next to him. He didn’t mind that though, they were happy and if they were happy now then hopefully that would carry through till they were Magnus’ age. He headed towards his bed and rearranged the pillows so that they were up against the wall and sat down, bringing his knees up to his chest and opening his book back up.

He continued to read, the words of Toni Morrison taking his mind away to a completely different time, one that was real, but not one that he would ever experience. Although he couldn’t help but notice some parallels, _“He just wanted to tear a path away from his parents past, which was also their present and which was threatening to become his present as well.”_ The words stewed in Magnus’ mind, he may not have parents, but this group home kind of acted like that for him, and there was nothing more that he wanted than to tear away from it. However, like every ‘lifer’, the word they used to describe the kids that had been there forever, Magnus could feel the perils of the system attacking his every being, like his cells that were once fuelled with ambition and dreams were being destroyed and replaced with the reality of what being in care meant for him. It meant no college, no money, a life that was based on survival and not pleasure, all you had to do was a quick google search to find out what happened to kids like him and it was enough to make anyone, never mind Magnus, know that he had no chance. He pushed the quote and his thoughts to the back of his mind and returned to the world that the book had created for him. There was no point dwelling on the inevitable.

There was a knock on the door a few minutes later, at least he’d had some peace and quiet that day, which was more than he could say for most. “Come in,” he said, not putting the book down quite yet. There was still a chance he’d be able to get back to it.

The door opened to reveal Sophie, the familiarities of her appearance providing Magnus with a source of comfort, her hair in the ponytail that she always wore because she wanted it out of her face for practical reasons (little kids were hair pullers) but not too stripped back because she didn’t want to seem ‘uptight’, her summer dress fitting her perfectly, she looked like your stereotypical middle-aged woman with three kids. Which was exactly what she was. “Hey, kiddo. Can I come in?”

Magnus nodded and closed the book, putting it down on the bedside table as Sophie took a seat next to him. “You should be wearing those,” Sophie said, gesturing to the pair of glasses that had remained in their case since the moment Magnus had been given them.

“They look odd on me,” Magnus said, picking up the bottom of his plaid shirt and spinning one of the buttons around on it.

“They’re just for reading, you don’t have to wear them all the time.”  

“I don’t know why I can’t have contacts.”

“You don’t need contacts,” Sophie looked at the boy sat next to her, he used to be full of energy as a little boy, eccentric almost, but now as a 16-year old that had been to hell and back a thousand times, there were barely any remnants of the happy go lucky child she’d first met, “What are you reading?”

“Song of Solomon.”

Sophie smiled in approval, Magnus Bane was one of the few teenage boys she knew that genuinely enjoyed reading and not just the books that were on trend either, he liked the classics, she’d even caught him reading Shakespeare for fun a few times. “I love that book. Are you enjoying it?”

“Yeah. It’s good.”

“So, I wanted to ask you a favour.”

Magnus turned his head so that he was looking at her, Sophie’s favours were never really for her but usually had some implied meaning for him, “You do?”

Sophie hummed, “I’ve just bought a new boy to live here, he’s the same age as you-”

“Alec? I saw him when he arrived.”

Sophie bit her lip, that wasn’t a good sign, “Yeah, his name is Alexander Lightwood, he…”

“…Lightwood? Like that family who-”

“-You know I can’t disclose that kind of information Magnus.”

Magnus nodded, it was worth a shot, “What does he have to do with me?”

“Well, he could really do with a friend right now and I was thinking you could maybe show him the ropes around here.”

Magnus shook his head instantly, “No way, no freaking way. Firstly, no, period. Secondly, he broke the record of time it takes to get restrained by Hodge and thirdly, I don’t want to get beaten up here as well as at school…” Sophie looked at Magnus, shocked at his confession, “Fuck,” Magnus said, running his hand through his hair in annoyance at himself.

“You’re getting beaten up at school?”

“No.”

“Magnus, I can have a word…”

“…I don’t need you to have any words, I’m fine. Look at me,” he said putting on a smile for her to try and prove to her that he was, in fact, okay. He was…kind of.

“Maybe, if you made yourself a friend you wouldn’t be a target. Alec’s transferring to your school he could be the perfect person.”

“Friends are pointless.”

Sophie shook her head, “Think about it Magnus, you never know.”

“I’ve thought about it enough.”

“Okay,” Sophie said, knowing Magnus well enough that she knew there was no point in pushing it, “I’ll leave you to Milkman and Guitar then,” she nodded towards the book, “Call me if you need anything,” she finished placing a hand on Magnus’ shoulder as she got up of his bed, “And if you’re going to read, put the glasses on.”

Magnus rolled his eyes as Sophie left the room, waiting for the door to close before he clenched his jaw, picking up a pen from the bedside table and throwing it across the room in frustration. He liked Sophie, he really did, the system however, he hated. It was what had led to his 12th and 13th years being fuelled by a fit of bubbling anger inside of him that almost matched that of Alec’s. It pissed him off knowing that he wouldn’t get to see the one person that potentially cared about him for another few months because he was just her job. Nothing more. For Magnus though, this was his life.

Magnus sighed and threw his body down on the bed which seemed to trigger Kayla from next door to start up with the guitar playing again, which only made him more frustrated than he already was. He rolled over onto his belly and put a cushion over his head, which didn’t seem to muffle out any of the noise. He groaned impatiently hoping it would quieten down, which of course it didn’t, then sighed and got up from the bed and ran along the corridor to the fire escape. He climbed down it, jumping the last few steps as he made sure no one could see him in the kitchen window as he lifted up the grate that led down into the basement. He slid through the hole and onto the pillows that he’d prepared for himself in case he ever landed funny from the drop. He could have just used the steps inside the house, but most of the time the door was locked, he also didn’t want anyone knowing about his secret place. Here he was free to be himself, to read, to put on the eyeliner that he was scared to wear around the house or at school and it was somewhere he could go to cry or scream or let out whatever emotion his brain didn’t allow him to not feel.

He clambered over the pile of disused sports equipment and into the little cubby that he’d made for himself. When you’ve lived in a care home like ‘Sunnyside” for so long you found ways to acquire extra pillows and blankets, he’d even managed to find himself a compact mirror with lights around it. One of the girls probably left it, and he was the first to grab it. Magnus turned it on so there was a dim light, then got out a black kohl eyeliner pencil, holding the mirror up to his eye and starting to apply it.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec’s new bedroom was at the corner of the house, which meant he had two windows, one facing out the back to a load of trees and one looking out onto the fire escape. Which was why his attention couldn’t help but be drawn to heavy footsteps running down the corridor followed by a slight figure flying down the fire escape. He got up from his bed and looked out the window, watching as the boy who looked similar to his own age lifted up a grate and disappeared down the hole, it was enough to interest him as he left his room and followed the boy's tracks.

Once in what he had come to find out was the basement of the group home Alec noticed a dim light coming from the far corner. He swallowed, he wasn’t really a nervous person, not anymore anyway, but he suddenly felt as though he was intruding on something private. He didn’t let it stop him though as he made his way through the dusty sports equipment towards the figure hiding in the shadows that were coming closer towards him.

Magnus looked up, startled by the presence of the new boy and shocked that he’d found his secret hiding place within an hour of him being there. His hands shook slightly as he packed away his things and took out a makeup wipe, not wanting anyone else in the house to see him. It was bad enough that Alec already had.

“What are you doing?” Alec said, confused as to why the boy had gone into a complete panic.

“I’ll be gone in a second. I just need to-” Magnus said, starting to wipe his eyes.

Alec raised his eyebrows, “Why are you taking it off? It looks good,” he said his words honest and truthful in a way that Magnus hadn’t experienced before and certainly wasn’t expecting from a boy that he’d just seen lose his shit.

“The others won’t think that. I-I’ll go,” he said standing up, the last thing he wanted was to be in the way of Alec if he was in a bad mood.

“I followed you here, you don’t have to go. This is your spot, right? If anyone’s going to go it should be me.”

Something stopped Magnus from leaving the basement, he wasn’t sure what it was, whether it was the pull of Alec’s hazel eyes or the honest expression on his face or the fact that he was the first person to see him in eyeliner in years and he hadn’t even batted an eyelid. “You can stay,” Magnus said, sliding back down the wall.

“What’s your name?” Alec said, sitting cross-legged on the floor next to the boy that was only a tiny bit shorter than himself but seemed a whole lot smaller when he was sat hunched up like that, a solemn expression on his face.

“Magnus.”

Alec nodded, “I’m-”

“Alexander Lightwood, Sophie told me.”

“Of course she did,” Alec said rolling his eyes, they hadn’t exactly gotten off to a good start, although his old social worker had asked for his family to be transferred to someone else. So at least Sophie hadn’t entirely given up on them.

“She’s a good person. She’s just doing her job.”

Alec felt the ever so familiar feeling of anger bubble up for a second before he knocked it down, this wasn’t the time. “How long have you been here?”

Magnus looked down at his hands, it was obvious that Alec had never been in a group home before, the golden rule was and always had been that you didn’t ask about anyone’s past, or how long they’d been there. It only ever led to fights, upset, anger, people didn’t like to talk about why they were there or the possibility of being there forever, so no one talked about it and that was that. Alec though, well apparently he didn’t know that.

“A while,” Magnus whispered, 5 years was scary to say out loud. It always would be. His 11-year-old self would have been terrified to find out that he’d still be there when he was 16.

“That was vague, you been in care long?”

Magnus swallowed, he wasn’t used to so much interaction never mind so many personal questions, this was Sophie’s job, not some random boys. His mind flicked back to the stories that were in the papers about the Lightwood’s, that must have been about 2 or 3 years ago now, it was nothing compared to the time Magnus had under his belt. “You’ve never been in a group home before have you?”

Alec furrowed his brow, “No, why?”

Magnus nodded, “I didn’t think so,” he paused for a moment, “Listen, I normally keep myself to myself, I don’t speak to anyone around here so don’t think we’re friends or anything because I’m talking to you right now.” Magnus had no idea where the confidence was coming from, he felt as though he was 13 again, mouthing off at everyone not being afraid to speak his mind, it was different but also kind of refreshing. “You can’t go around asking people about how long they’ve been here, or in care, or whatever. It sets them off, you’ll get yourself in more fights and restraints than you need to be in, talk to people, that’s fine. Just not about that.”

“Thanks…I think,” Alec said, watching as the boy crumpled up the makeup wipe and put it in a carrier bag, “I’m sorry if-”

“Dinner’s in 10. If you want anything decent you should get there now.” Magnus interrupted, standing up and heading out of the basement without another word.

Alec sat in silence for a few minutes, bemused at how Magnus had gone from panicked and scared to telling him what the rules were in this place in seconds. He seemed like a nice person, like someone that he could trust but he’d made it pretty clear that he wasn’t looking for a friend. Alec, on the other hand, was looking for a friend, he was looking for anyone that would mask the intense feeling of loneliness that he couldn’t seem to shake, and Magnus was the first person to speak to him. He would be a tough nut to crack, but he knew that he would get on with him, that if he could break down a few of Magnus’ walls then maybe they could actually become good friends.

 


	2. Bad Reputation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed the first chapter and thank you so much for your kind comments!   
> As usual, if you want to tweet along it's #TLITDfic, I love reading your reactions/opinions. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for this chapter: Implied self-harm & bullying. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> Amy x

 

Chapter 2: Bad Reputation

_“You give what you have when you_

_Decide that you_

_Keep burning like fire,_

_It’s burning you down.”_

_\- 'Fire’ – Sleeping With Sirens._

* * *

 

Magnus woke up to Hodge shaking him on the shoulders, his eyes heavy with sleep as he glanced over at his phone, he hated Monday’s, he hated every weekday, but Monday’s were the worst. “Aren’t you supposed to knock?” Magnus said, stretching out.

“I did. You wouldn’t budge. Come on, you’re going to be late.”

“I don’t feel well,” Magnus said, placing his hand to his head, then moving it away quickly as if it was burning hot.

“Is that the best you’ve got? No skiving, I need you to show Alec the way.”

Magnus sighed, he’d managed to avoid the new boy since their conversation on Saturday afternoon, but apparently, he was now being forced to interact with him, or at least walk by his side, “He can use his phone.”

“Magnus. Get up, we can’t have this battle every morning. I have the little ones to take care of.”

“Go take care of them then. I’m happy here.”

Hodge sighed, “Out of bed now. Or I’ll have to do some digging into why you’ve been more reluctant to go to school this past month.”

Magnus groaned and swung his legs out of the bed, “Fine, I’m up.” Hodge nodded and left the room as Magnus headed over to his dresser and put on his usual understated attire of jeans, a t-shirt, and a checked shirt, allowing himself to wear one string bracelet for jewellery, anything else would make him more of a target. It didn’t take him long to get ready, so he sat in his room reading for a few minutes before he packed up his rucksack and waited outside for Alec. There was no way he was going to breakfast when there were so many screaming kids, mornings were the worst of all the meal times, no one needed that much noise at 8 in the morning.

The door opened, revealing Alec, who Magnus couldn’t help but notice looked quite nice in the simple jeans and t-shirt combo he was rocking. It was the way the t-shirt fit him perfectly and those eyes with that slightly ruffled jet-black hair. Magnus looked away. He couldn’t be caught staring. “Morning,” Alec said, rubbing his eyes, clearly still sleepy from the night before.

“Morning,” Magnus grumbled.

“Here,” Alec said, handing Magnus a cereal bar and an apple, “I thought you might be hungry, you weren’t at breakfast. Not that I can blame you, it’s like a zoo in there.”

Magnus looked down at the snacks Alec was handing to him, “You didn’t have to,” he said taking them from him.

Alec shrugged, “So what’s the deal with the school?” he said as Magnus lead the way through the streets of Brooklyn that were so unfamiliar to Alec.

“Not much. Just don’t be seen with me if you want to survive, everyone’s up their own asses and they don’t like kids like us.”

“You know my last name right?” Magnus nodded. “So does everyone else, I’m not exactly going to be popular.”

“Whatever, I’m just saying, don’t dig your grave in the first minutes by walking in with me.”

Alec’s face went cold for a second, “I’m capable of making my own decisions.”

“You do you,” Magnus said, his heart rate increasing as he recognised the look from the first day Alec had arrived, “Listen, it’s just around this corner. I’ll walk ahead, you follow in a bit.” He didn’t give Alec the chance to reply as he picked up his pace.

Magnus knew what was coming as soon as he took his seat next to the window at the front of the class, there was only one seat free, and of course, it was the one next to him because no one wanted to sit next to him. He stared at the blank page of paper in front of him as Alec’s tall figure entered the classroom and started talking to the teacher as he tried to zone out. He jumped as his backpack was kicked from underneath his chair and slid across the floor, the majority of its contents scattering everywhere. “Idiots,” he said under his breath as he got up and started gathering everything quickly before heading back to his seat.

“Well, they’re jerks,” Alec said as he sat down in the empty seat next to Magnus, making him tense up even more.

“Everyone read through pages 50-60, then we’ll discuss,” the teacher said, Magnus ignored Alec and started flipping through his copy of Othello.

“Do you not need these?” Alec said, sliding his glasses case across the table, “They fell out of your bag.”

Magnus shook his head, “Do your work. Stop talking to me.” There were a few sniggers from the seat behind.

“You’re squinting though.”

“Be quiet.”

Magnus continued to read, ignoring the noises from behind them and the occasional kick on the back of his chair, this was nothing compared to what would probably happen later that afternoon. Biting back now would be a terrible mistake. Alec, on the other hand, couldn’t seem to stay focused, he was constantly glancing across at Magnus or looking behind them to see what people were laughing about. He must have only read two lines before the teacher finally told them to stop.

“Okay, Alec, how about you tell us what happened in those pages,” the teacher said from the front of the class. Magnus rested his head in his hand, this wasn’t going to go well, especially if Alec’s foot tapping incessantly on the ground was anything to go by.

“I didn’t read it, Miss,” Alec said flippantly. It was the wrong attitude, Miss Hawk was not the kind of woman you disobeyed, she was nice until you were on the wrong side of her.

“Then what have you been doing the past 15 minutes?”

“I don’t know really.”

“Mr. Lightwood,” there were a few gasps from the classroom, the secret was out, he was a Lightwood. “This may be your first day, but if you are to continue in my class you need to be making more of an effort than this.”

Alec shrugged his shoulders, “Fine. I’ll go then.” He stood up abruptly, shoving the table slightly making Magnus jump.

“Sit down. You’re being an idiot,” Magnus whispered.

“I don’t give a fuck,” Alec said swinging his backpack on his shoulder and stalking out of the classroom, to anyone else it really didn’t seem like he gave a fuck, although Magnus knew that he probably did. He’d engaged in enough stubborn walkouts in his day to know that usually, they were the last thing you wanted to be doing.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus sat outside of the classroom that detention was being held, finishing off the last few chapters of ‘Song of Solomon’, Hodge had text him asking to wait for Alec as he couldn’t pick him up himself and didn’t want him getting lost on the way home, or not coming home at all. It was annoying, Magnus was basically having to do detention without doing anything wrong and waiting outside in the hallway was arguably worse than being in the classroom with the other delinquents. A restraint on his first day at the home, detention on his first day at school, Alec Lightwood really was good at making first impressions.

The door opened, and a couple of kids rushed out quickly, Alec following behind them, his head looking down at the floor until he picked up on Magnus’ worn out converse, “Hey,” he said, the perk in his attitude diminished from that morning.

 “Finally,” Magnus sighed.

Alec smiled slightly, “They look good on you,” he said, gesturing to the glasses that Magnus had finally succumbed to putting on now that the corridors were quieter.

“Shit,” he said, taking them off and putting them in his bag, “Let’s go.”

The two of them headed out of the school gates, Magnus was more relaxed than he usually was when he left school, he figured that leaving later meant that his usual tormentors would be long gone. So he lowered his shoulders and didn’t look around him as often as he usually did.

“Look who it is! Two for the price of one ladies, who knew they’d let two rejects into the school.”

Magnus swallowed as he turned to face the familiar voice of Lorenzo who was of course followed by his two suitors, friends, crew members, he didn’t really know what they were, Heidi and Camille.

“What did you just call us?” Alec said, his stance firm on the ground, he was ready to fight, Magnus on the other hand, was ready to take flight.

“Alec, don’t. Just run, it’s easier.”

“I’ve never been a fan of the easy option.”

Lorenzo laughed as he squared up to Magnus, “You should take some advice from him, Bane, he might actually stand a chance and not be as much of a pussy as you are.” The words came out like bullets as Lorenzo raised a fist and swung it at Magnus. Magnus ducked but the fist landed firmly on his collar bone causing Magnus to stagger backward as Alec’s fist connected with Lorenzo’s jaw.

“Run!” Alec said, as Magnus regained his balance and sped around the corner, Alec hot on his heels. Magnus knew they wouldn’t follow, they never did but that still never stopped him from running the whole way home, just in case.

Magnus stopped outside the house to catch his breath, he couldn’t go in like that without Hodge asking questions, Alec did the same, cracking his knuckles slightly, surprised that they hadn’t started bruising, “Are you okay?”

Magnus looked up at Alec, “I’m fine.” The words were stoic as they came out of his mouth, he looked at Alec one last time, nodding slightly in thanks before he entered the home and ran upstairs to his bedroom. He fell down onto his bed, burying his head in his pillow for a few moments allowing a few tears to escape to release the frustration. He was sick of being the weak one, the vulnerable one who couldn’t look after himself and now Alec was tangled into his status simply by existing and he was pretty sure that Alec wasn’t the kind of person that would let this be. His way of dealing with it was this, crying for a bit, waking up the next morning, trying to skive school, pretending nothing was happening and repeat. With Alec though, well he was a variable in his life that Magnus had no control over.

Magnus continued to bury his head in his pillow as the door opened and a figure sat down on his bed, he assumed it was Hodge at first, which was why he continued to pretend to be asleep. But the slightly lighter weight on the bed suggested that it was someone else. “Who is it?” He said into the pillow.

“I brought you ice, for your shoulder,” Alec said.

Magnus swallowed, it seemed that he was right, and Alec wasn’t the kind of person that would let this be, “Go away,” he said, even though the ache in his shoulder seemed even more pronounced now that Alec had brought it up.

“You’re being stupid, come on, sit up.”

Magnus sighed and for some reason did what he was told, pulling off his checked shirt then rolling up the sleeves of his t-shirt, not even bothering to hide the scars at the top of his arm. He didn’t care what Alec thought, he knew too much already… at least he thought he didn’t care.

“This is gonna be a nightmare to hide from Hodge,” he said more to himself than anyone else, but also to make sure that they weren’t just sat in silence with Magnus’ scarred body between them.

Alec saw the scars, of course, he did, but he didn’t mention them, he knew the rule and he wasn’t going to break it again. He may have just punched a guy for him, but that didn’t mean that they were friends quite yet.

“He doesn’t know about this? About the boys at school?” Alec asked, placing the ice which was in a Ziplock bag on Magnus’ collar bone and holding it there, “You should tell him, how long has it been going on for?”

“I can ice my own collar,” Magnus said placing his hand over Alec’s wanting to remove it, so he could do it himself, only to find himself strangely comforted as Alec placed a hand on Magnus’ shoulder blade so he could hold the ice firmer against him. He dropped his hand away and let Alec continue.

“Does this happen every day?”

Magnus sighed, “This really isn’t any of your business.”

“Well, I just punched a guy in the jaw for you, so it kind of is,” Alec said, only just noticing the puffiness of Magnus’ eyes, “Listen, you don’t have to tell me. I remember the rule.”

Magnus nodded, “Good because I wasn’t going to.”

Alec smiled slightly he kind of liked being put in his place by Magnus, especially after seeing him at his most vulnerable back at school, it was reassuring to know that he still had some fight left in him. He bit his lip nervously as he started to approach the next topic, “You’re smart, aren’t you? You get good grades?” he said, looking over at the stack of books on top of Magnus’ desk.

“I suppose so.”

“Can you tutor me?”

Magnus looked up, annoyed suddenly as he pulled Alec’s hands off him and took hold of the ice pack himself, “So that’s why you’re being so nice to me? I should have known, get out!” he said, his voice raised to a level so that he was almost shouting.

Alec looked confused at Magnus outburst before he realised what the problem was, “Crap, no, it wasn’t meant to come across like that. Fuck, I’m helping you because I want to help you not because I need something from you, well I do need something from you, but those two things are separate. Shit, I literally couldn’t have picked worse timing…I’ll go.” Alec stood up from the bed.

Magnus watched for a moment, almost letting him leave before a voice in his head that was unfamiliar to him told him not to, “Why me? Hodge would help if you asked him.”

“I can’t ask him…” Alec ran his hand through his hair, “Because then he’d know and then he’d feel sorry for him and then…”

“…You’re talking in riddles. Spit it out.”

Alec sighed and sat back down on Magnus’ bed, “Before I went into care, my parents made me do this test because I’ve basically always been shit at school, and apparently, I’m dyslexic, whatever that means…it’s ridiculous I know-”

“-You really don’t know what it means?”

Alec rolled his eyes, “Yeah that I’m thick as fuck.”

“I mean…that’s not what it means.”

“Let me finish. This all happened like a week before…well, I’m assuming you saw the papers, it happened just before that.” He paused for a second, “So I ripped up the test results because I didn’t want to do that extra learning support stuff because I don’t really need it I’m not that stupid.”

“Then why ask me to help now? If you don’t need it.”

Alec shrugged flippantly like it was no big deal before he realised that he still wasn’t making much sense, “I want contact with my siblings, but I’m not going to get that if I don’t stop losing my shit…only thing is, I don’t know how to stop losing my shit. So, I thought if I can get my grades up Sophie will see that at least I’m putting some effort in and let me visit.”

“If you just told her you’re dyslexic, she’d be able to tell the school they could help you, a lot better than I could.”

“I’m already a Lightwood, I don’t need to be the ‘Lightwood in care that can barely read a sentence’ as well. Please, Magnus, help me out?”

Magnus sighed, “Fine, but this is on my terms. You’re either in it or you’re not.”

“Your terms. Got it.”

“We can study after dinner every night for an hour, in here, bring your desk chair in if you’re late, that’s it. I have better things to be doing than waiting around.”

“Since when did you talk this much? Does this mean we’re friends now?”

Magnus looked at Alec, “I haven’t had a friend since I was 8, so no, it doesn’t.”

“Since you were 8, that’s crazy, there must have been someone that was at least kind of a friend?”

“There wasn’t, isn’t.” Magnus sighed, “You can go now. I have homework to do, I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“We’re not studying tonight then?”

“Tomorrow.”

Alec nodded, he’d clearly hit a nerve with the whole friend's thing, he could see from the expression on his face and with the day that Magnus had, he figured it was probably time he left him alone. Although, apparently this was something that happened most days. He got up and left the room, noticing Magnus bury his face back in the pillow as he left…turns out he didn’t have homework to do after all, but that was none of his business.

 


	3. They Can't Hurt You Anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter! 
> 
> Trigger Warning: Depression
> 
> Amy x

 

Chapter 3: They Can’t Hurt You Anymore

 

"You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful

things happen to you." 

 - Mary Tyler Moore

 

* * *

Magnus counted the hours until his alarm went off, then worked out how many hours he’d spent asleep, he figured it was about 2 if he was lucky. It had been one of those nights where he slipped into a nightmare every time he dozed off so after his 5th attempt of peaceful sleep he’d decided he was better off staying awake. There was only so many times he could re-live the times Lorenzo had beaten him up…amongst other people. Even so, the sound of the alarm didn’t bring any joy to his ears, his shoulder was aching like hell and all he could think about was actually having to live through another beating. The thought of getting up and going to school, well it wasn’t something he really wanted to consider.

“Magnus, time to get up!” Hodge said from outside his door for about the 100th time, which Magnus continued to ignore.

Alec came out of his bedroom just as Hodge was about to bang on the door twice as loud as he had been previously, “Is everything okay?” he asked. He couldn’t help but be concerned about Magnus, yesterday had been rough and that bruise on his shoulder wasn’t going to heal up quickly.

“Do you remember the way to school?” Hodge said before he entered Magnus’ room.

“Yeah, is Magnus not coming?”

“I don’t know yet, if he doesn’t, please don’t get another detention I don’t know how I’ll arrange someone to pick you up.”

“I can just walk, I’m not a baby,” Alec said, his expression changing from the concern he had for Magnus to a colder one that was directed at Hodge.

“You’re supposed to say, ‘don’t worry I won’t get a detention, yesterday was just a mistake’ Alec.”

“I wouldn’t want to make a false promise,” Alec grumbled, moving down the hallway quickly as the bathroom finally became free.

“Right! I’m coming in Magnus!” Hodge said, opening up the bedroom door.

Magnus instantly threw his duvet over his head as the light from the hallway flooded into his room, wanting to hide the bruise on his collar for as long as possible, which would be hard considering he’d slept in a vest the whole night. He continued to cover his head with the blanket and scrunched his body up into a fetus position, regressing to a child-like attitude that would hopefully let Hodge know that today really wasn’t the day to fight him on going to school.

“This is the second morning in a row Magnus,” Hodge said, towering over Magnus’ small figure curled up on the bed.

“Please, just leave me alone,” Magnus said, kicking himself at the voice crack that unwillingly presented itself.

Hodge picked up on it instantly, he’d been a care worker for 20 years and his instincts kicked in pretty easily, to the extent that from the slightest tone change in any of the kid's voice he could tell whether they were faking it or being serious. Right now, Magnus was being serious. He sat down on the edge of the bed reaching out to Magnus’s shoulder, resulting in Magnus flinching away suddenly as though he was in pain.

“Talk to me Magnus,” Hodge said, his voice softer than it was before.

Magnus reached up to his shoulder and covered the bruise with his hand, Hodge noticed the defensive move, “There’s nothing to talk about.”

Hodge nodded, he hadn’t expected him to open up, he never did, “What’s wrong with your collar?”

“It’s just a bruise.”

“How did you get it.” Magnus stayed silent. Hodge sighed. “One day Magnus, if you don’t tell me what’s going on by tonight, then tomorrow you’re going to school, end of story.”

Magnus’ head nodded from beneath the sheets, a few tears escaping into the pillow, “I’ll get up soon,” he said, knowing that Hodge’s next lecture would be ‘just because you’re not at school doesn’t mean you’re not doing anything productive today’ and he really wasn’t in the mood for hearing that.

“I’ll check on you after breakfast and I’ll tell Alec to collect your schoolwork for you,” Hodge said standing up, taking one last glance at Magnus’ body wrapped in sheets, debating for a second if he was making the right decision before continuing to leave the room. This wasn’t as bad as last year, this was just one day, and Magnus had been through a lot worse than a bruised shoulder.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus spent most of the morning reading in bed, occasionally drifting off to sleep which Hodge ignored for a couple of hours but put a stop to once it hit 11 am. He didn’t want him not sleeping that evening, because then they’d just have a repeat of what had happened today, tomorrow. Once he’d been dragged out of bed Magnus started writing some essays for school then continued onto some practice Maths questions, then Physics, he enjoyed schoolwork, he just didn’t enjoy school. The number of times he’d begged Sophie for him to do school online was uncountable, and as much as she agreed that he was smart enough for it, her answer was always the same. He had to learn to socialise with children his own age and even if she did think it was a good idea, there wasn’t enough budget for it. That was always the problem, there was never enough budget for anything, you’d think that kids in care were a business transaction, not humans.

The day dragged on slowly, Hodge brought up a sandwich for him around lunchtime, which Magnus neglected to eat, he was too engrossed in his essay and his own mind for food, despite the rumble in his stomach. Before he could even blink the sound of kids running around and screaming filled the house, the smell of food came up from the kitchen and the sun slowly started to set. The peace and quiet from his day alone in his room seemed a distant memory as he jammed his headphones in and hoped for no one to interrupt him.

He must have managed about 3 more hours undisturbed and he was practically falling asleep on his work, until he was interrupted by a plate of cheese and crackers being slid onto the desk, startling him slightly. He quickly pulled his earbuds out and rubbed his eyes, almost knocking his glasses off in the process. “I always want cheese and crackers when I’m sick,” Alec said.

Magnus took the glasses off and put them on the desk, “What are you doing here?”

“You said to come after dinner, this is after dinner.” Alec pulled over his chair that Magnus hadn’t even noticed he’d brought with him then lifted his English books onto the table.

Magnus sighed, “I’m not really in the mood for this,” he said, his stomach rumbling suddenly as he remembered he hadn’t eaten anything all day.

Alec looked over at the stale sandwich on the dresser, “Eat the crackers. Then we’re starting.”

“This is supposed to be on my terms remember?”

Alec shrugged, “I think today, it’s my terms. You don’t seem as though you’re in the mood to do anything productive if I’m honest. Sitting up here on your own isn’t going to make you feel any better.”  

“I’d much rather-”

Alec sighed, “-Hodge is worried about you for some reason, I don’t know why. He just told me to bring you some food up and try and cheer you up a bit, and I was coming up anyway so here I am.”

“I wish he’d fucking leave me alone. He’s so fucking dramatic, I swear to god if he’d just fucking let me have fucking five minutes to myself. I’m fine, I don’t need him sending people up here to check on me all the fucking time!”

Alec raised his eyebrows at Magnus, “Yeah, you sound completely fine. Most people swear every other word when there’s absolutely nothing wrong, it’s normal,” he said sarcastically.

“Jesus, please, just leave me alone.”

Alec sighed, “Listen, if this is about what happened at school, things might be a bit better tomorrow,” Magnus turned his head back to his notepad and started doodling random squiggles in the margin, not wanting to address what was going on. “I may or may not have punched Lorenzo in front of the whole school again, it shook him a bit, then I threatened him, said if he ever came near me or you again I’d get my Dad’s mates on him…I think he believed it.”

Magnus looked up, “Why would you do that? You’ve just fucked up your whole image. Now no one is going to want to talk to you in case you beat them up.”

“I’m not bothered about people talking about me, I just don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

“That’s the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard.”

Alec laughed, “You could just say thank you, you know,” he said opening up Othello and turning to the pages he missed in class that day.

“You’d really get your Dad’s friends on him?”

Alec grinned, “No. I don’t know anything about my Dad’s business or what went down…but Lorenzo doesn’t know that.”

Magnus smiled slightly, “Come on, start reading.” Magnus said, hunching over Alec’s copy of the book and placing a pen underneath the line he was starting at, squinting slightly.

Alec looked at him, biting his lips, even when he was squinting to see his face scrunched up in concentration he couldn’t deny that Magnus was an attractive boy. “You should put your glasses on, doesn’t it give you a headache to squint like that?”

Magnus shook his head, “They’re ugly and I don’t need them.”

“Well both of those statements are straight up lies, you look cute in them, and clearly you do need them. And it’s only me? Why do you care what you look like so much?”

Magnus sighed, “Fine.” He said putting them on, then grabbing a cracker from the plate, letting his teeth sink into the soft cheese then crunch of the cracker, the perfect texture combination that was satisfying to almost anyone. “Read.”

Alec nodded, “I’m really not good, especially with Shakespeare.”

Magnus swallowed his next mouthful, “I’m not here to judge, I’m here to help.”  

Magnus helped Alec as he read out each part, eating crackers between sentences and correcting him when he faltered on the words, which was quite a lot but also wasn’t as bad as Magnus had thought he would be. They then moved on to both doing their homework which was to write an analysis on the scene, Magnus finished his quickly, he’d read Othello quite a few times before, so it was easy for him, then he went on to correct Alec’s spelling for him.

“Why does the English language have to spell the same word differently all the time?” Alec said, his eyebrows furrowed as he changed the spelling from ‘there’ to ‘their’ the frustration clear on his face.

“The worlds out to get us, what can I say?” Magnus said jokingly as he wrote down the three different spellings and started doodling on the words so that it looked as though there were people pointing somewhere over ‘there’ on the ‘there’ spelling, pointing to themselves on the ‘their’ spelling and pointing to another group of people on they’re spelling. He’d remembered learning it like that in primary school and it was the way that he still remembered it to this day.

“Does that make it easier?”

Alec nodded, “I think so. I’ll still forget if I’m rushing though.”

“Then don’t rush, take your time.”

“That’s all well and good until you put me in an exam hall.”

“Yeah, well if you’re not going to tell anyone that you’re dyslexic then there’s not much I can do about that. They’d give you extra time if you just got yourself re-assessed.”

“Well that’s not going to happen, so I’ll have to live.”

Magnus started to doodle on the blank piece of page again, letting his mind wander for a few moments, barely paying attention to Alec’s eyes that were locked on what he was doing. He was, as always, completely oblivious to any attention that anyone was giving him unless it was negative. From an outsider looking in at the two boys sat cramped on the desk together, it would be clearer that the taller boy with jet black hair and upright posture couldn’t take his eyes of the smaller, hunched over boy next to him. But Magnus had been cast to the side for so long that he didn’t notice in the slightest, he was used to being invisible and he was happy with that.

“What do you want to do with your life?” Alec asked, breaking the silence between them both.

Magnus shrugged, “Fuck knows. I guess I’ll just get a job at McDonald's or something.”

Alec raised an eyebrow, “You’re way too smart to work in McDonald's, surely you must have more ambition than that.”

“I’ve been here way too long to have any ambitions left,” Magnus said like it was a matter of fact that couldn’t be changed. Which Alec would never be able to accept, he was too much of a dreamer anyway, he always had been, but his 3 years in care hadn’t beaten him down as much as Magnus’ 10 years. If they were both to have the same opinion on the matter after living such different lives, well, it would be unusual, to say the least.

“But you used to have them?” Alec prompted.

Magnus nodded, chewing on the lid of his pen, “I used to want to be a writer, but that’s a rich man's job, and I’m certainly not a rich man.”

“Anyone can write a book.”

“True. But it’s knowing the right people that gets it published. I’m a kid from the streets with no one to go to for advice, thinking about the possibility of getting published, well it’s just a waste of time.”

“I doubt my opinion means anything to you, but I’m going to say it anyway. I think you’d be a fantastic author, I’d read your book…and I can barely read,” he joked.

Magnus let himself look up and into Alec’s eyes that seemed to be made up of every colour of the rainbow and smiled slightly at Alec’s self-criticizing joke that he couldn’t deny, was funny. It wasn’t a full smile, but it was a feeling that he hadn’t felt all day and he was even tempted to say that he was kind of happy.

“What about you, what do you want to do?”

“To be honest, I have no fucking clue either. Maybe own a business, or I guess I kind of like math, I could be a math teacher.”

“I think you’d be a good business owner. You’re not afraid to stand up to people, to get what you want.”

“ALEC!” Hodge’s voice came from downstairs.

“What does he want?” Magnus asked, “He must have so much time on his hands to constantly bug us like this.”

Alec laughed, “I have a scheduled call with my little brother Max, he’s only 6 so we have to arrange a time once a week.”

“Oh,” Magnus said disheartened, he couldn’t relate to having anyone that would want to have a scheduled time to call him.

“I’ll see you in the morning?”

Magnus nodded, “Yeah.

 

* * *

 

 

Once Alec was gone, Magnus scanned the stack of books on his dresser, he’d read them all many times before, he had to remember to go and speak Miss Williams, the school librarian, he’d become quite friendly with her over the years and she was always prepared to let him take a few books back with him. She didn’t even bat an eye-lid if they got stolen by the other kids and returned in less high a quality than she had given them to him in. She knew where he lived, and she’d told him stories about the kids that she’d fostered when she was younger and how for a lot of them getting buried into a book was a lifeline and while she couldn’t take Magnus in herself, she could give him that. She was a sweet woman, and Magnus couldn’t help but appreciate her.

“Hey, Magnus.”

Magnus turned around, not expecting to hear the sound of Kayla’s voice, his poor guitar playing neighbor who he’d probably only exchanged a couple of sentences within their two years of living together. “Can I help you?” he said with an edge to his voice.

Kayla swallowed, “Erm, Hodge wants us to switch rooms. Apparently, someone from social services said that they have to keep the boys on one side and the girls on the other…we’re the only two mixing that order up apparently.”

Magnus sighed in frustration, “Well this is pointless,” he said, relaxing his expression slightly as for a 12 nearly 13-year-old girl Kayla was pretty timid and as much as he didn’t want to be overtly nice to her, he didn’t want to come across as a dick.

“I’m just the messenger,” she replied shrugging her shoulders.

“Do you have much stuff?” Kayla asked, looking around Magnus’ room which was completely empty apart from the books on the dresser and his schoolwork.

“I can pack it up in 5, do you?”

Kayla shook her head, “I’ll be back through in a minute,” she said as she left the room.

Magnus groaned as he stripped his sheets from his bed and started packing up his books into a bin liner, so he could do as little trips as possible. It was definitely a tactical decision from Hodge to get Kayla to deliver the message because there was no way that Magnus would have complied otherwise. He didn’t care which bedroom he was in, it didn’t make a difference, but the principle of them being moved around like chess pieces annoyed him and he wouldn’t have stayed silent if he’d been given the chance to say something.

Once the two of them had switched rooms Magnus carried down the completely stale sandwich from lunch and now an empty plate of crackers that Alec had given him. If he was going to move rooms, there was no point in bringing his dirty dishes with him and he kind of liked doing dishes, the way the warm soap covered your hands, the satisfaction of wiping everything bad off it and having something new in seconds…if only life worked like that too. It was in the middle of washing up his dishes and the few that had been left on the side from dinner that he heard the shouting coming from Hodge’s office, Alec. Magnus tried to zone out of the conversation, it wasn’t his to listen to, but Alec was making that kind of impossible.

“YOU CAN’T PUNISH ME LIKE THIS! THEY’RE MY FAMILY! YOU DON’T GET TO TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME!” Alec yelled.

Magnus could tell from the way he was breathing that he was already being restrained, from the anger he was protruding he probably needed to be. Hodge only restrained them if they were a danger to themselves or others and from seeing how quickly Alec could go from being calm to throwing punches, it seemed likely that he needed to be held back. Magnus dried up the last of the dishes and headed back upstairs, ignoring the desire he had to go in and help Alec or at least see if he was okay, he couldn’t succumb to that thought though. He didn’t want Hodge to think they were friends just yet, heck, he didn’t want to think that they were becoming friends either. He could survive on his own, that’s what he had done his whole life, as soon as he made a friend he had something to be scared about and the key to having no fear, is having nothing to lose.

 


	4. Night Cries and Butterflies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone! 
> 
> I know a few people were confused about how long Alec and Magnus had been in care, so I just thought I'd clear it up here in case anyone still is. Alec has been in care for 3 years, but he has only been in a group home since he arrived at 'Sunnyside'. Magnus has been in care since he was 6 years old (for 10 years) and has been in 'Sunnyside' since he was 11 (for 5 years). I hope that makes sense and I'm sorry for any confusion! 
> 
> Trigger warnings for this chapter: subtle mention of implied self-harm & crying. 
> 
> I hope you are all enjoying this story so far, thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> Amy x

 

Chapter 4: Night Cries and Butterflies 

_“Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp,_

_but which, i_ _f you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”_

_-  Nathaniel Hawthorne._

 

* * *

 

Magnus heard the cries through the wall, the muffled sobbing into a pillow that occasionally broke into a cry that wasn’t meant to be that loud but commanded the respect to be let out properly. He rolled over to his other side, glancing at the time, it was 2 am, apparently another sleepless night was on the cards for him as he tried to block out the noise with his pillow, he was unsuccessful.

It took him a while to remember where he was, that he was in a different room and that the cries weren’t from Kayla or the twins that surrounded him the night before, but from Alec, the only person in the home that he had an ounce of compassion, of care for. He couldn’t lie awake forever, not with that noise that seemed so much more painful now that he knew who it belonged to. He knew how much it sucked to have such an ache in your heart that no matter what you did you couldn’t push it away, it was that which drove him to make his next move.

 He swallowed the lump in his throat, he couldn’t appear nervous that would make things weird he thought to himself as he took his book of quotes out of his new bedside table and put on his glasses before tiptoeing across his room and down the hallway. He hesitated for a second, debating whether to knock or to just go in…he doubted Alec would hear him anyway so just going in seemed to be the better option. He opened the door tentatively, pushing it open gently, peering his head round to the bed which was against the same wall that his own bed was in the room next door.

Alec’s body was curled up in fetal position, the same position that Magnus reverted to whenever he was having a bad day like he had that morning which seemed so long ago. Now that they were alone in the dark together it felt like a completely different universe, separate from the one that they were a part of during the day. Magnus headed over to Alec’s bed and took a seat where the pillow would have been if Alec wasn’t holding it in his hands so tightly and switched on the nightlight that gave off a blue glow.

“I-I,” Alec stuttered through broken breaths, “Go,” he whispered into the pillow, an instruction that Magnus refused to obey as he filed through his notepad looking for something, anything that would maybe help Alec to calm down.

Magnus lifted his feet up onto the bed and brought his knees to his chest, resting the book on them as he scanned down the page, “Your full name’s Alexander isn’t it?” Magnus asked, not wanting to draw attention to Alec’s sobbing just yet because he didn’t really know what he was doing, which was why reverting to his knowledge of books and profound quotes had become the default. “After Alexander the Great?”

Alec’s head nodded into the pillow which he chewed down on, trying to stop the noise inside him from escaping anymore as he listened to Magnus’ voice. He was embarrassed that he was there, that he was seeing him at his weakest but his soft tones the subtle whisper, it was comforting especially when the source of his pain came from being so alone.

“Alexander the Great conquered the Persian Empire, was one of the greatest military leaders of all time, and you know what he said? That ‘there is nothing impossible to him who will try’ a powerful statement from a man who won many battles don’t you think?”

Alec pushed himself up, so we sat up on the bed and looked at Magnus, his eyes completely glassed over with tears, his cheeks red and puffy his hair a mess…well, it was always a mess, but now it was matted and stuck to his forehead. He took a shaky breath before he breathed out the words, “I just miss them…so much,” before his chest lifted up as he gasped for all the oxygen that he could before he collapsed in on himself.

Magnus watched, unsure of what to do, unsure of what Alec needed. He had been alone in this world since he was 6 years old and he knew how to deal with that…kind of. Alec, on the other hand, had just lost everything, his whole family had been ripped away from him and it was as though this was the first time that he’d let himself be fully aware that not only did he not have his parents anymore, but the siblings that he’d cared for the past three years had been taken away too.

Magnus caught Alec underneath the arms, stopping him from collapsing back down on the bed, letting his head rest on his shoulder despite the bruising that remained from the other day. Perhaps this was what he needed, to be held for one last time and to feel the love from someone else to remind him that he wasn’t alone. Magnus swallowed another lump in his throat as the hug flashed back to his mother; comforting hugs, butterfly kisses, movies in bed together… 10 years ago, he thought to himself, 10 years ago was the last time he’d been hugged. One thing he definitely didn’t think was that the hug he’d receive 10 years later would be from a boy that he barely knew sobbing an ocean onto his shoulder.

“You’re going to be okay Alexander,” Magnus whispered, running his hand through the back of Alec’s hair for a few moments, waiting for Alec’s body to relax, soften, quieten as the energy drained from him in minutes. Magnus lay Alec back down on the bed, standing up as he pulled the sheets over him, his cheeks were still wet, and his eyes were fighting sleep, but they wouldn’t be for long. Alec felt empty and full at the same time as he stomach ached from the crying and the shaking but there was a weight that suffocated him and finally, after what seemed like hours, allowed him to go back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus made sure that he got out of bed the next morning, not only could he not be bothered to deal with Hodge’s nagging but because he wanted to be up for Alec. He hadn’t really slept much since he slipped back into his room at 3 o’clock in the morning because he knew that something had happened in that hour he’d spent with Alec. Like the walls that he’d built around his heart over his time in care were starting to weaken in their structure, he wasn’t sure how he felt about it, if it was a good thing or a bad thing or if it was just a thing. Whatever it was, however, it was going to end up going, Magnus knew that he was losing control and that protecting himself against the pain that so often stabbed in his heart might not be possible anymore.

That morning Magnus even went to breakfast, surprised when Alec wasn’t there and tempted to go up and check on him but knowing that probably would be a step too far, so once he’d eaten his toast he grabbed a granola bar and apple for Alec and headed outside.

“Morning!” he said chipperly handing the food to Alec who had been sat on the bench outside of the care home waiting for him.

Alec shrugged and took the apple off Magnus taking a bite, “Morning,” he mumbled, “I have detention tonight, so erm, you don’t have to wait for me.”

“I have a few things I need to do in the library after school, I’ll probably still be there anyway.”

Alec nodded, the expression on his face sombre as he avoided making any eye contact with Magnus, “Mrs. Hawk is going to be so impressed with your analysis for that scene, I bet she-”

“-You don’t have to do this you know?” Alec interrupted.

“Do what?”

“Be so nice to me, act as nothing happened. We both know I had a fucking breakdown last night, I know you like to hide every little thing away, but I can’t just pretend that you didn’t see me in that state, I can’t act like it doesn’t change things.”  

Magnus nodded, he understood, “It doesn’t change anything, not really. I didn’t know if you’d want me to bring it up, you’re not always the easiest person to read, Alexander.”

Alec looked at Magnus at the use of his full name, “Nobody calls me Alexander.”

“You suit it,” Magnus nudged Alec’s shoulder playfully, “’ there is nothing impossible to him who will try’, remember?”

“Why did you come in last night?” Alec asked, taking another bite of his apple.

Magnus sighed, “I’ve had my fair share of nights like that and I’ve always dealt with them alone. But…there’s a part of me that wondered if I had someone there if it would have been easier if I’d have…coped better,” he said glancing at his arm before looking away suddenly, “Anyway. I couldn’t sleep when you were that upset. I just wanted to try and calm you down a bit, I won’t do it again if you don’t want me to.”

Alec swallowed, “I appreciated it, I just wasn’t expecting it…I thought friends weren’t your thing?”

Magnus nodded, “I didn’t think they were.”

The corner of Alec’s mouth turned upwards slightly, “Am I the first friend you’ve ever had?” he said, his tone lighter than it had been moments earlier.

“I mean, maybe.”

“Well, I’d be proud to call you my friend. Even if you are an enigma that refuses to disclose anything about themselves.”

“Baby steps. I’m really out of my depth here.”

Alec laughed and placed a hand on Magnus’ shoulder, “Maybe I can be your lifebelt?”

Magnus grinned, “I met you literally 4 days ago and I honestly never thought I’d be saying this to a boy that can’t keep his fists by his side, but fucking hell you’re goofy.”

“Is that an insult?”

“Take it how you like. I don’t care.”

Alec shook his head in amusement, “I’ll crack through that shell eventually, you can’t keep everything bottled up forever.”

“I have 7 years of experience on you Alexander, you’d be surprised.”

“Yet, you just revealed the first thing that you wouldn’t tell me about yourself, you’ve been in care 10 years?”

Magnus ignored the questioning at the end of the sentence, “That was intentional.”

“Hmm, yeah, whatever,” Alec said as they walked through the school gates.

 

* * *

 

 

That evening both Magnus and Alec found themselves joining the rest of the care home for dinner, it was so easy to avoid it and just have leftovers later but they both felt kind of comfortable with the idea of a proper meal for once. Of course, it was just as mad as it always was, Magnus and Alec were the only two kids in the home over the age of 12, so naturally, the dining room was chaos with kids clawing at each other for the last slice of garlic bread or spoonful of pasta.

“Here,” Alec said, placing a slice of garlic bread on Magnus’ plate, “Before it all goes,” he said, cursing under his breath as he realised that by giving Magnus the first slice he’d missed out on one of his own.

Magnus laughed and looked around, not wanting Hodge to see him as he tore the piece in half, splitting it with Alec, “It’s normally each for their own, but I’ll cave.”

“I mean, technically I gave that to you, so it would have been mine anyway.”

Magnus sighed sarcastically, “You have so much to learn,” he said patting him on the shoulder, “the dining room is a war zone, you do what you can to survive.”

Alec grinned, “Are we still studying after this?”

“Yeah, I have something I want to try actually, I was doing some research about-”

“-Not here. I don’t want anyone to overhear.”

Magnus nodded, “Yeah, of course, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Alec said smiling.

Once they were done eating Magnus headed upstairs first and Alec followed a few minutes later so that it didn’t seem suspicious. Even he agreed that if Hodge and Sophie found out that Magnus had made friends with him it would get blown into some big miraculous event that if anything would heighten Magnus’ insecurity and jeopardise the bond that they were beginning to form.

“So, what is it you were researching?” Alec said, adjusting himself in his seat as Magnus put on his glasses…damn, he really did look hot in them.

“When you’re reading it’s like the words are moving all over the place right?”

Alec nodded, “I suppose. It’s kind of hard to explain,” he said, surprised at himself for being so open with Magnus when this was something that he’d completely hidden for the past three years.

“So I read this article that said that people with dyslexia sometimes find the white paper too bright and that softer pastel coloured papers are easier to read, also that italics and underlining can make it hard to follow the words.” Magnus reached down to his rucksack and pulled out a plastic wallet of paper, “So, I printed and edited the notes and questions we have to go over for History onto cream paper when you were in detention. Other colours might work better apparently, but I figured we should start with this.”

Alec bit his lip, “Wow, you really have been doing your research.”

Magnus shrugged, “I don’t think I was really doing much to help before like I can correct your spelling and stuff, but it doesn’t really make things easier, this might…exams will still be a problem but at least you can do well in homework and things.”

Alec smiled, “Thank you for this Magnus, honestly, I really appreciate it.”

“You asked me to help you, so that’s what I’m doing. Come on give it a try,” he said sliding the first piece of paper across the desk.

“Conc-concentration camps where-were used…”

Magnus watched intently as Alec focused on the text in front of him, he still wasn’t the fastest reader ever and there was the odd mistake here and there, but it was definitely a marked improvement than how he was on normal paper. If anything he just seemed less stressed out like he wasn’t trying to catch the words on the page as well as reading them at the same time. Magnus couldn’t help but feel a little bit proud of himself for coming up with something to make it easier for Alec, but he was also proud of Alec for putting in just as much effort as he was.

“Finally, we are finished!” Alec exclaimed, closing his notepad dramatically.

“You’ll be getting better grades than me at this rate.”

Alec rolled his eyes, “I highly doubt it, but the vote of confidence is noted.”

Magnus looked at the time on his phone, they’d been working for about 3 hours and it had gone 10pm, Hodge would be up soon to tell them to go to bed and Alec knew that. Except he was sitting awkwardly on the edge of his chair, as though he was reluctant to leave the room, his eyebrows were furrowed slightly as well, it was obvious that there was something on his mind.

“Are you okay?” Magnus asked as he tidied up his papers.

Alec swallowed, “Are you ever scared to go to sleep?”

Magnus nodded, “Every night.”

A sigh escaped Alec’s lips, “I fucking hate this.”

“Hate what?”

He sighed again, he sounded almost frustrated with himself. “I’m fine all day, then it gets to the evening and it’s like everything is built up so high that I have no choice but to… I don’t know, cry? Freak out? As soon as the light goes out, I just feel so…alone.” His voice became quieter as the spoke.

Magnus placed a hand on Alec’s shoulder reassuringly, “I’m just on the other side of the wall, if you need anything, you can knock, or text me. I might not have any family-”

“-You don’t?”

Magnus shook his head, “But, I’ve been lonely all my life. I’d like to think that maybe I have some tips for dealing with it?”

Alec smiled slightly, “Why are you being so nice to me?”

Magnus shrugged, “I have no fucking clue.” The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes, “What were your parents like? Before the whole money laundering scandal?”

“People died, it was more than a scandal.”

“Sorry, I, I didn’t know,” he said hastily, kicking himself for putting his foot into it, he’d read the headlines on the papers, but he’d never really paid much attention to the full story. If anything he’d avoided it, he’d always had the slightly cynical attitude that ‘stuck-up’ families like the Lightwood’s deserved what they got. Meeting Alec though and how his parent's mistakes had changed his life so much, well it had changed Magnus’ perspective on the situation slightly. After all, his parents may have been criminals, but Alec wasn’t, he was just a kid that had lost everything he ever knew overnight.

“No. It’s fine.” He paused before continuing. “They were what you’d expect of a family like ours, we were expected to do well in school if we didn’t, we lost all our privileges…which meant I was basically under house arrest most weekends. But, we were a family and… this doesn’t bother you, does it? Me talking about this?”

“No, go on.”

“We were like every other well-off family in New York, we were fucked up, obviously, but we had each other’s backs.”

“Which is why you feel so shit about not being with your siblings.”

Alec nodded, “I’m the eldest, I’m supposed to be protecting them.”

“This isn’t your fault Alexander.”

“It is. We only got moved from the last foster home because of me, heck, we only got moved from every foster home because of me. Because I was the one that couldn’t stay chill, I wouldn’t let any of the families that took me in take care of us, because that’s my job.”

“So you got angry?”

“Every fucking day. Until eventually, they couldn’t find anywhere that would take all four of us and they split us up, split me up.”

“You just need to prove that you’re not angry anymore.”

“Well, that’s easier said than done. Especially when I’m still angry.” Alec ran his hand through his hair then rubbed his eyes.

Magnus nodded, “Trust me. I know all about that.”

Alec sighed, “I should go to bed, Hodge will be up soon, and we don’t want him thinking we’re friends, do we?” he teased.

Magnus smiled, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Yeah. Sleep well, I guess?”

“You too.”

Alec got up and left the room, leaving Magnus sat alone at his desk. It was rare that you found a kid like him, that was in the system, that had lost everything and been through so much, that was so open to conversation. Magnus certainly couldn’t relate to Alec’s willingness to open up and divulge about how he was really feeling, he couldn’t remember the last time that he’d done that willingly, he wasn’t sure that he ever had. It was refreshing to see, and there was something warming about Alec trusting him with his deepest fears that comforted Magnus. Maybe, just maybe, making a friend wasn’t the worst idea in the world… he just had to find a way to deal with the lack of control over the external world, the fear of potentially losing someone he cared about again. Then maybe he could open his heart up to the first person in years that he seemed to have some form of compassion for.

 


	5. I May Be Bleeding, But My Heart Is Full

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! 
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed the last chapter! 
> 
> Trigger warnings: Self-harm is heavily mentioned but no graphic descriptions.   
>  \- If anyone needs to talk feel free to message me on twitter (@malecmagic3). 
> 
> Thank you for reading,
> 
> Amy x

 

Chapter 5: I May Be Bleeding, But My Heart Is Full

_“I may not be in control of myself, but I am in control of my body.”_

_\- Karen Carpenter._

* * *

 

 

“I am so proud of you, Alexander. You’ve managed to go a full week without getting detention!” Magnus said sarcastically punching him on the shoulder. It had been 3 weeks since Alec’s arrival at ‘Sunnyside’ and Magnus had finally let himself open up a little bit, to actually allow himself to smile when he was in Alec’s company.

“You say that like I didn’t almost punch Hodge a few days ago.”

Magnus laughed, “You win some, you lose some? Either way, it’s an improvement on how angry you used to get in class.”

Alec smiled at Magnus, nudging him slightly as they continued to walk home, “Well that’s down to you. I’d still be flipping out if you hadn’t been helping me with my schoolwork so much.”

“You’ve put just as much effort in, you got a ‘B’ on your last English essay remember?”

Alec raised his eyebrows, “Still wasn’t enough for Sophie to allow me to go and visit Jace this weekend.”

“Well, that’s probably because you almost punched Hodge. Get that under control and you’ll be flying.”

“Any tips.”

Magnus shrugged, “I used to do the same thing, in fact, they basically hired Hodge as the muscle to stop me from losing my shit…I was younger, but after a couple of years I just got bored, I didn’t have the energy to keep on fighting anymore.”

Alec nodded understanding where Magnus was coming from, a smile starting to creep across his face, “I can’t imagine you like that, I mean I’ve heard you mouth off before, but be physically aggressive? It’s a weird thought.”

“Life’s shit, things change I guess.”

“Well, that’s a positive outlook,” Alec said pulling out a candy bar from his backpack, breaking it in half and giving some to Magnus.

“Thanks,” he took a bite thoughtfully, “the house is so weird now the twins are gone, isn’t it?” Magnus said.

“The noise level has dropped by at least 50%,” Alec joked.

Magnus laughed, “That’s definitely true, I’m happy for them though, they were what 7? They wouldn’t have had much chance if they didn’t get adopted now.”

“Yeah, it’s good for them. At least they won’t be stuck in this shithole for the rest of their lives.”

The two of them sat down on the bench outside the house to finish their snack, entering the house with candy was basically a death wish, even if it was already half-eaten, that didn’t phase the kids in the house at all.

It was a nice evening, it was nearly October and the trees were turning brown, leaves falling from them but when the sky was clear, and the sun was out it drowned the house and the small garden in a golden haze that could almost be described as beautiful. Perhaps that was why it was called ‘Sunnyside’ because inside the house it was definitely not a ‘sunny’ atmosphere like the name described.

“I love it when the weather’s like this,” Magnus said, speaking his thoughts aloud instead of keeping them to himself, something he’d only started to do since Alec had become his friend.

Alec nodded and took another bite of the chocolate before speaking again, “Has Sophie said anything to you since Hodge clicked that we were hanging out?”

Magnus shook his head, “I guess she doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Although she’s probably internally freaking out about the fact that I have a ‘friend’”

“I am honoured to be your first friend in 8 years, Magnus Bane.”

He laughed at the comment, “I don’t think anyone has ever been honoured to be associated with me before.”

“Yeah? Well, they should have been.”

Magnus' cheeks flushed red slightly, he would never get used to Alec’s incessant need to compliment him out of the blue, he hated being complimented because they were never usually true, at least he couldn’t view them as true. “Well, you’re a pretty cool dude to be hanging out with.”

Alec scoffed slightly, “Did you honestly just call me a ‘cool dude’, you sound like a skater boy.”

“She said see you later boy” Magnus continued the lyrics.

“What?”

Magnus sighed dramatically, “I should have known that you wouldn’t know the classic hit ‘Sk8er Boy’ by Avril Levine.”

“The what by whom?”

“Exactly. You have so much to learn.”

“I swear to god I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about half the time,” Alec teased as he watched Magnus, who never really looked at him but whom he couldn’t keep his eyes off. There was something enrapturing about him that drew Alec to him like a magnet, but he couldn’t quite explain what it was yet.

“Come on, let’s go inside. The sun may be out but it’s still freezing.”

Alec nodded, “Hodge had a go at me because I _accidentally_ didn’t do the dishes last night, so I have to do them tonight as well as help him tidy his office. So I might be a bit late to our study session later.”

“That’s fine, we can have a night off if you want?”

Alec smiled, “We can just see what happens, I’ll still come up to hang out anyway.”

“You just can’t stay away from me, can you Alexander?” Magnus teased.

“Did you just flirt with me?”

“What? No? I-”

“-I’m winding you up,” Alec said holding open the door for Magnus.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus' heart stopped for a second as he was confronted with Hodge’s tall, statuesque figure waiting for them both at the door, Magnus’ wash bag in his hands as he looked between them both a serious expression on his face… a disappointed expression on his face. Magnus had been found out and he thought he’d done such a good job at hiding it.

“Alec, go upstairs. I need to talk to Magnus.”

Alec looked across between them both and was about to say something before Magnus interrupted, “No you don’t” he said, his voice shaking.

“Alec, go. Magnus come to my office.” Alec stood there, unsure of what to do before Magnus nodded at him to leave.

“I’m not coming to your office.”

Hodge sighed, “You were doing so well. Why now, things are good for you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do Magnus.”

“You can’t just go into my room, looking through my stuff like that without telling me, that has to be against my human rights! It’s fucking violating Hodge!”

“Okay, you need to calm down. You know how it works Magnus, you know I’m allowed to do this whenever I think there’s something up.”

“Fuck you!” Magnus said his heart racing, pounding like it could burst out of his chest at any moment, “Fuck you! Fuck the system and fuck this fucking house!” He said before running up the stairs, leaving Hodge stood at the bottom of them. He knew Magnus well, he needed a few minutes to compose before he went up and spoke to him again.

Alec heard the footsteps pounding down the corridor followed by Magnus on the fire escape which he quickly climbed down, the same image as he had seen on his first day, except today he could see the redness in Magnus’ cheeks and the tears that had left tracks on his face and that were continuing to fall. Alec didn’t have to think twice as he jumped off his bed and followed Magnus, not knowing what to expect or what had just happened. Magnus was one of the most private people that he knew, he didn’t talk about his private life, what had happened to him, what had happened to his parents and Alec was sure that he probably wouldn’t want to talk to him about what was going on now. But Alec couldn’t just leave him alone, not when Magnus had invested so much time in not only helping him academically but had kind of been his rock for the past few weeks too.  

Alec knew that things were bad as soon as he saw Magnus hunched up against the wall his plaid shirt covering his head which was in his hands like he was trying to block out or keep in everything all at once. Alec sat down crossed legged next to Magnus and watched him for a few minutes as he figured out how best to address the situation that they were in.

“Was it drugs?” Alec asked, finally breaking the silence.

Magnus swallowed and removed the shirt from over his face, “What? No. I’m not a fucking druggy Alec,” he said with as much aggression he could muster, which wasn’t much. He ran his hand through his hair, his heart jumping as he realised what Alec was staring at, “You weren’t supposed to see…”

Alec nodded, then looked around the area that they were sat in, noticing the carrier bag of bandages shoved in the corner he gestured to Magnus to hand them to him. He looked through, taking out an antiseptic wipe and a bandage, unwrapping the wipe and cleaning up the blood that was on Magnus’ bicep. Magnus winced from the burn of the alcohol, “Sorry,” Alec said, speeding up so he could wrap it up properly. It wasn’t a big cut, but it needed tending to.

“You could have told me about this,” Alec said, tying a not in the bandage.

“No. I couldn’t. It wouldn’t have been fair on you to have to keep that from Hodge and Sophie.”

Alec reached up to Magnus’ face and wiped the few remaining tears from his eyes with his thumbs, “What happens now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Hodge is going to be wondering where you are soon, you can’t hide here forever.”

Magnus laughed to himself, “Try me.”

“Magnus, this is serious, don’t joke about.”

Magnus nodded, Alexander was well out of his depth, for Magnus it was nothing, self-harm had been a part of his life for the past 4 years, he didn’t think much of it until he got found out. Alec, on the other hand, had never really dealt with anything like that before and Magnus felt terrible for throwing him into the deep end with something like this, he’d much rather he hadn’t found out at all. That way he could just focus on himself, that was what he was used to.  

“I’m sorry Alexander. I’m not used to having someone here with me, I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Alec nodded, “I saw the scars before you know? when Lorenzo punched you.”

“I know.”

“They were all faded though.”

Magnus swallowed and looked down at the floor, “It’s complicated.”

“Aren’t things good for you right now? School’s easier, you’ve got me-”

“-That’s the problem,” Magnus interrupted, “Things are too good and when things are good they can be taken away and if that’s going to happen I can’t control it…but this,” he said looking at his arm, “I can control this.”

“Maybe things won’t get taken from you, I’m not going anywhere and even if I did I’d only be a phone call away.”

“I wish it was that simple.”

“What happened the last time Hodge and Sophie found out?”

Magnus exhaled slowly, “I have no fucking clue why I’m telling you this.” He said fiddling with the shirt that was now on his lap, “The first time, it was a bit more…serious, so Sophie made me go to this psych ward thing, after that, whenever it started up again she just made me go to a therapist…which sucks by the way.”

“Will she send you again?”

Magnus nodded, “Probably, shit she’s gonna be so disappointed in me. I can hear her in my head already, ‘you were doing so well’ ‘you need to tell us when you’re feeling like this,’ it’s so fucking annoying.”

“How long has it been?”

“About a year.”

“Then I came along and fucked everything up.”

Magnus laughed, “I’m the one who fucked everything up. Not you.”

“Come on, you need to go and face the music Mr. Bane,” Alec said standing up and taking Magnus by the arms, pulling him reluctantly onto his feet, “Do you want me to come with you?”

Magnus shook his head, “I’m just going to wait in my room until Hodge comes and finds me.”

“I can stay with you?”

“You’re good, you’ve helped enough, Alexander.”

“Well, if you need anything tonight, just text me.”

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus couldn’t help but feel nervous as he sat on his bed, trying to focus on his book but only really reading a couple of lines every 10 minutes. It wasn’t that he was scared about the possibilities of what was going to happen, it was more that he was scared about actually going back to therapy, he’d always felt it was useless, fair enough it worked for a while. But when you were a kid that went through as many ups and downs as he did, the fears he had came back quickly and he returned straight back to square one. He’d read about it in a psychology textbook, reacquisition was one of the main criticisms of behavioural approaches to psychopathology, he wasn’t sure what type of therapy he was forced to go to, but one thing was for sure, his fears certainly came back as soon as he came in contact with a ‘negative stimuli’ or something along those lines. The point was, going back to therapy was a waste of his time, he had better things to be doing.

After what seemed like forever there was a knock on his bedroom door, he ground his teeth together before swallowing the lump in his throat, “Come in,” he said, not afraid to show a tone of reluctance in his voice.

“Hey, kiddo.”

Magnus looked up at his book, the last thing he'd expected was for Sophie to come all the way across town for this. He figured Hodge would call her, she’d tell him what to do and that would be that, the fact she’d made the journey only increased Magnus’ worry. There was no way he’d let her send him to another psych unit, he didn’t need that, but explaining that to her was practically impossible. “What are you doing here?” he asked, his voice dry.

Sophie sat down on his bed, “You know why I’m here Magnus.”

Magnus nodded, “Yeah, but you don’t normally…usually you just ring Dr. Parker and tell Hodge and that’s it.”

“I was in the area, I wanted to see how you were doing, how out of hand it had gotten.”

A sigh escaped Magnus’ breath, “I’m fine, it’s stupid, I know that’s it stupid, but I can stop. I promise I’ll stop.”

“I can’t just take your word on this Magnus, are you depressed do we need to get you back on your meds?”

Magnus shook his head adamantly, he hated those things, “I’m not depressed. I fucked up, but that’s it, I’m over it.”

“Hodge says you’ve become quite good friends with Alec.”

“I don’t know why you look so shocked, you’re the one that told me to make an effort with him remember?”

“I remember. I’m just surprised you listened.”

“It just kind of happened.”

Sophie nodded, “Is he something to do with this relapse?”

“Do you have to call it a relapse, it’s so…clinical.”

“Answer the question.”

Magnus shrugged, “I don’t know, I guess I’m not used to this whole ‘friends’ thing I don’t like having someone to lose. Can’t I just talk about this to Dr. Parker, I don’t really feel like delving deep into how shitty my brain is if I’m honest.”

Sophie nodded then looked at the time on her phone, “Hodge or someone is going to take you to an appointment after school tomorrow. Get some sleep, and make sure you keep an eye on your arm, we don’t want anything getting infected.”

“It won’t, I was safe.”

“You’ll get through this Magnus.”

Magnus rolled his eyes, “It was a mild fuck up, I’m already through it.”

Sophie gave Magnus a knowing look, “Night.”

“Night.”

Magnus waited for the door to shut before getting under his sheets and pulling them over his head, he didn’t cry, he just wanted to be in the dark, staring into nothingness as the warmth of his breath made his face hot and sweaty. It was almost suffocating, but it was peaceful and allowed him to take a step away, to regather, the pulse in his arm from his most recent infliction had started to die down all he could feel of it now was the bandage Alec had wrapped around it pressing slightly against his skin.

He ran his tongue over his lips, they were chapped slightly but that was irrelevant as he considered how vulnerable he now looked in Alec’s eyes. Not only was he the kid that he protected every day at school but now there would always be that look behind Alec’s eyes. The look that questioned if he was clean, how he was feeling and if he could do anything to make things better, which was ironic, as whenever he was with Alec things were better, they were so much better. Accepting that as permanent though, well, it was something Magnus wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to do.

On the other side of the wall Alec sat on his bed with his back up against it, he could almost feel Magnus’ presence pushing against his back, but it was probably more the constant thoughts about him that were running around his mind that made him feel so close to him. He couldn’t give a flying fuck that Magnus self-harmed, of course, he wanted him to stop, for him to be okay, but it didn’t change how he felt about him, he wasn’t really surprised, after all, it wasn’t exactly an unusual thing to see on kids like them. What bothered him though was that it was him that rocked Magnus’ boat and sent him flying into the sea, that Magnus couldn’t tell him didn’t want to tell him, that despite spending almost every waking minute of the day with him, Alec hadn’t even realised what was going on. He knew that it wasn’t his fault, not really, but he was implicated in it all, tied up in it like a fisherman’s knot, they were two separate lines that were tied together now. They’d only be able to figure out how to untie it if they knew how they were tied together in the first place, but neither of them really knew how to explain that. But neither of them wanted to become untied anyway, they were too connected for that.

Alec flopped his body down onto his pillow and switched off the night lamp, listening out for any noise from Magnus, it had been a rough day for him to say the least and he’d have been more than happy to repay the favour and go in and comfort him if he needed him to. But, there was only silence that filled the air around them, the whole house asleep, finally getting to spend time away from the shitty reality that they all lived in. There was something comforting about that though, there were no cries, no screams from nightmares, not even from the little boy in the room across the hall. For some reason, that night, everyone seemed to be sleeping peacefully, as though the noise of the day that was almost deafening had been turned off for the next 8 hours. Like some external force was commanding everyone to fall into a deep, deep sleep.  

 


	6. A Deeper Connection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone, 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> Trigger warning: mention of self-harm. 
> 
> Amy x

 

Chapter 6: A Deeper Connection 

'I won't deny that I haven't been this vulnerable in a long time

it scares me - all of it, love, emotion, and connection but I've reached a

point in my life that I know this type of love doesn't come knocking 

often and when it does, maybe it's time to open the door.'

-  Nikki Rowe.

* * *

 

 

Magnus scribbled over the paragraph that he’d written aggressively, the harsh lines of the black biro leaving an indent that went through three pieces of his notepad. He hadn’t the slightest clue on what to write about, should he write how he felt, what he wants to feel, or just make something up? He didn’t really give a fuck what he wrote about, he just knew he had to write something, unfortunately for him, he couldn’t seem to get any of the words in his head out onto the paper. He sighed in frustration and tore the page up, crumpling it up in his hand and throwing it across to the other side of the basement.

“What did that piece of paper ever do to you?” Alec’s voice said from behind the pile of sports equipment “We should really move some of this stuff. I’m going to end up breaking my legs one day.”

“You’ll get used to it.”

Alec’s head appeared from behind the spare football goal, a grin on his face, “Do you have snacks?”

Magnus laughed, “Why should I share my snacks with you? These took a late-night military-style operation to acquire.”

“Because that’s what friends are for.” Alec teased, sitting down next to Magnus and taking a handful of crisps from the bag beside him. “What are you writing? We don’t have an essay due in do we?”

Magnus shook his head, “No, my therapist told me that I needed to start writing again, so I have a ‘healthy way to release my feelings’, which is a load of bullshit.”

“Don’t you have an appointment tomorrow?”

“Unfortunately. Looks like Dr. Parker is going to be disappointed in me…shocker.”

“You’ll figure something out, and she’s right, it might help. It’s better than… you know?”

“Hurting myself?”

“Yeah, that.”

“Well, I’m giving up for now,” Magnus said closing his notepad and placing it on the floor, then turning to face Alec, their knees touching as they sat crossed legged.

Alec stuffed the last few crisps in his mouth and chewed them slowly, “Can I do your eyeliner?”

Magnus scoffed, “What?” he contemplated Alec’s expression, “Oh, you’re being serious?”

“Yes. I’m being serious. I’m bored, there is literally nothing to do on the weekends in this place.”

“You could have gone bowling with Hodge and the others.”

“Hmm, yeah. Bowling with a bunch of screaming pre-teens, no thank you. Anyway, I knew you were going to be here.”

Magnus pushed his hair, so it was off his forehead then took out the black kohl eyeliner from the carrier bag beside him, “You know this takes years of practice, right?”

Alec shrugged, “I’ve seen Izzy do it,” his eyes saddened for a second as he thought about his sister before he pushed it to the back of his mind, smiling at Magnus, “So, I’m practically an expert.”

“Just don’t blind me in the process,” he said taking his glasses off, “I don’t want to be wearing these all the time.”

“I won’t blind you, now hold still.”

Alec placed one hand underneath Magnus’ jaw, stopping his head from moving as he brought the pencil towards his eyes, his tongue stuck out and his eyes squinting in concentration as he drew a not so steady line underneath Magnus’ eye. Alec tried not to laugh as he continued which only made Magnus want to laugh with him as he started to look more and more like a panda.

“Okay, okay…maybe I’m not an expert,” Alec said defeatedly.

Magnus took out the compact mirror and had a look at himself, “Yeah, I think I’d agree with that statement.”

Magnus whipped out a makeup wipe and started taking off the thick black that now lined his eyes. “Destroying my artwork just like that, how rude,” Alec teased.

“Artwork,” Magnus lingered on the word, “That’s a stretch.”

“Again, rude,” Alec said knocking his knee against Magnus’ jokingly.

“A true artist listens to his critics.”

Alec laughed, “Well if that’s the criteria then I am definitely not a _true_ artist.” Alec reached into the back and took out some dark navy nail polish, “Paint mine?”

Magnus raised his eyebrows in suspicion, “Why?”

“Do I have to have a reason? It’s something to do isn’t it?”

Magnus nodded his head in agreement, “I suppose so.” Magnus undid the bottle of polish and wiped off the excess back into the pot then took Alec’s hand in his own and started painting each of his nails, easily, delicately with no mistakes. He’d spent years practicing, he could probably become a nail technician if he wanted, which he didn’t but that was beside the point. Once he was done, he lifted Alec’s hand to his mouth and blew on them to stop them from being so sticky before moving on to the other hand.

“I saw you laughing with Maia yesterday,” Magnus questioned.

“Yeah, she’s in my lab partner. She’s pretty cool, she kind of does her own thing doesn’t like to be part of the crowd, basically, she doesn’t care that A) I’m in care or B) that I punched Lorenzo.”

“I think I had creative writing with her a few years ago. She seems pretty chill.”

“Yeah. It works out well, I have you in every other class, then Maia in science.”

Magnus nodded, “Do you like her?” he asked, knowing it was risky to venture into the previously undiscussed topic of dating, but he needed to know because if he did he had to prepare himself for potentially losing Alec and not being able to spend as much time with him.

“As I said, she’s a nice person, so yeah I guess I like her?” Alec replied not clicking on to the real question that Magnus was asking.

Magnus rolled his eyes, “But do you _like_ like her?”

Alec laughed, “No, definitely not, she's not my type.”

“What is your type? Blonde? Leggy? You’re a good-looking guy, you could pull anyone you wanted if you tried.”

A smirk formed on Alec’s face, “I prefer it when they have a dick if I’m honest,” he said flippantly.

Magnus swallowed, he hadn’t been expecting that in the slightest, “Oh, fuck.”

“Oh fuck?”

“You’re gay?”

“Is that a problem?” Alec asked, slightly bemused at Magnus’ response.

“You’re like the straightest non-straight guy I’ve ever met.”

Alec laughed, “I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not, but okay. You really had no idea? I literally called you cute on the first day of school.”

“You called my glasses cute.”

“No,” Alec said, shaking his head, “I called _you_ cute when _you_ are wearing your glasses, not that you need them to make you look cute, you’re cute with or without them. Fuck, I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore.”  

Magnus smiled, “Well, I guess you’re pretty cute too.”

Alec blushed slightly, “How charming? What’s your deal then?”

“My deal?”

“Do you fall under the rainbow flag?”

Magnus looked at Alec, the only person he’d told was Sophie and that was because she’d managed to figure it out anyway, Magnus still wasn’t exactly sure how, but she had and didn’t leave him a chance to deny it. He swallowed, he figured he could trust Alec, “I like boys and girls.”

Alec nodded, “I thought so.”

“You did?”

“I’ve seen you checking me out Magnus Bane.”

“Hold up! I have never checked you out, like ever,” he denied, not wanting Alec to think that there was anything more to their friendship. He didn’t want to ruin anything, and it wasn’t like Alec would fancy him anyway.

“I’m offended, I check you out all the time.”

Magnus eyed Alec up intently, “Why?”

Alec sighed, “Jesus, is your self-esteem really that low?”

“Probably not best to answer that question, I don’t fancy a premature therapy session.”

“You’re a good-looking guy Magnus, stop avoiding looking at me,” Magnus looked away, this was way too awkward a conversation to be having with his only friend. “Magnus.” Alec cupped his cheek and tilted his head towards him, so he could see him, “Listen to me, you’re beautiful.”

“Why are you saying this?”

“Because I’m your friend and I appreciate the male body and because you need to hear it, you deserve to hear it from someone.”

“Are you, like, out to everyone?”

“Kind of, I just tell people when it comes up. My parents don’t know though…but it’s not like I’m going to be seeing them anytime soon. I’m guessing you’re not?”

Magnus shook his head, “I don’t have anyone to ‘come out’ to, Sophie knows, but there’s no one else to tell.”

“Fair enough,” Alec said, “Do you want to go for a walk? I’m going to go insane if I sit inside for a minute longer.”

Magnus smiled, “Sure, let’s go to the park. I have like 2 dollars we can get ice-cream cones?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus thanked the vendor and handed Alec his cone before they both turned around and continued to walk alongside the river. The weather was definitely getting colder than it had been the week before and the trees were looking more and more sparse of greenery. Winter was coming, and it was neither of the two boys favourite months, everything bad happened in winter and the weather was just a reflection of that, dark clouds, snow, the rain that suffocated you and made it impossible to break out of anything negative that happened. Saying that winter wasn’t quite there yet, the skies were littered with the odd candyfloss cloud and the sun was still shining relatively bright even if it was cold.

“This doesn’t change anything does it?” Magnus said, licking around the edge of the scoop of ice-cream, it was definitely too cold for ice-cream.

“Does what change anything?”

“You being gay, me being bi? It won’t change anything between us will it?”

Alec shook his head, “You’re such an idiot.” Alec rolled his eyes at Magnus’ confused look, “Of course it won’t change anything.”

“Good.”

Alec smiled, “I need you as much as you need me.”

Magnus looked up at Alec, “No you don’t. You’re stronger than I am, you may not get to see them, but you have a family. You have a system that’s there for you. All I have is Sophie and apparently…you.”

“You’ve helped me a lot, I’d be fucked in this place without you.”

“You’d have survived though.”

“It’s not like you weren’t surviving without me, Magnus.”

“That’s questionable.”

Alec sighed, “Come on, let’s have some fun. Enough depressing talk for today, get on the swing,” he instructed, pointing in the direction of play area that had one of those net swings that you could fit loads of people in at once.

“Alexander. We’re 16. I think we’re past the point of play areas.”

“Don’t be a killjoy. It’ll be fun!”

Magnus glared at Alec for a second before taking the last bite of his ice cream and taking a seat on the swing, “I’m going to fucking kill you if you make this tip over.”

Alec laughed, “I wasn’t going to, but you’ve just planted the seed.” He took a big push of the swing followed by another, then another, “It’s going to tip, it’s going to tip!” he teased.

“Alexander! Stop it right now! I’m going to be sick!”

Alec pushed it one last time for good measure then waited for it to slow down before clambering onto it whilst it was still moving and flopping down next to Magnus and on top of his arm.

“I think you just broke my arm,” Magnus said as he wriggled it out from underneath Alec’s body.

“Don’t be so dramatic. You’re fine.”

“Tell that to the doctor when I have to go get it x-rayed.”

“You’re an idiot.” Alec shuffled around to get comfy but failed, you could fit about 5 children on there, but 2 16-year-olds that were both laid with their legs draping over the edge was a bit of a stretch. “Sit up.”

“What?”

“Sit up, put your head on my chest. It’ll make more space,” Alec said, justifying his desire to hold Magnus against him as the only way they could both fit on the swing. Magnus debated it for a second before propping himself up and resting his head on Alec’s shoulder, unable to ignore Alec’s arm lacing behind his back. It sent a shiver up his spine that he hoped Alec didn’t notice.

“If it wasn’t so cold we could stay here till the stars come out.”

“Is this a secret hobby I don’t know about?”

Magnus shook his head, “No, not really. My mum used to like the stars though, she found it peaceful, calming to get lost in them…I suppose it was an escape from her head and from…” he stopped.

“From what?”

“Nothing. From nothing.”

Alec pulled Magnus closer to him, he figured it was okay to do that, it was cold after all. “You’ve never mentioned your mum before.”

“She’s dead. There’s not much to say.”

“Did you know your dad?”

“Alexander-”

“-Sorry, too many questions. I know.”

“It’s okay. I just don’t want to ruin this moment. I’m actually happy and I want to remember it for that and not for having a conversation about my fucked-up life.”

Alec smiled, “This is why you should be a writer.”

“What do you mean?”

“When you talk, not the grunts you give Hodge, but when you properly talk the words you use, they’re so articulate. You know exactly how to say stuff, words just flow out of your mouth.”

“They don’t just flow onto a page though. It’s different.”

“Is it? I always write exactly how I speak.”

Magnus laughed, “Exactly. Writing as you speak doesn’t work, it just leads to bad grammar, spelling, slang words and thoughts that are all over the place.”

“That was definitely an insult.”

“No, it’s different for you, it’s the easiest way for you to write. For me, I know the grammar and everything that goes with it, just blurting things onto the page doesn’t work.”

“Does your therapist really care about grammar?”

“Probably not, but I do.”

“You can correct grammar and spelling later. Surely just getting something onto the page is better than nothing at all.”

“I don’t know…maybe,” Magnus said, Alec did have a point, even if what he wrote was shit, it was better than getting a lecture about ‘not putting in the effort’ from Dr. Parker.

“See, I am clever!”

“Who said you weren’t clever?”

“You implied it.”

Magnus sat up, so he could turn to face Alec, “I would never!” He noticed the grin on Alec’s face, he was winding him up, of course, he was.

The swing shook slightly making Magnus lose his balance, so he fell face first onto Alec, close enough that he could smell his cologne, it was subtle, but it was nice.

“Well, this is a rather suggestive position,” Alec said a hint of mischief in his voice.

“It’s your fault. You wound me up.”

“You totally could have fallen in the other direction.”

“Fuck you,” Magnus said, rolling off him so he was back beside him.

“You wish!”

Magnus shook his head, “You’re so annoying.”

“ _You’re_ so annoying.”

“Wow, the middle school comeback. I am shook to the core.”

“You should be. I have more where that one came from.”

“I can’t wait to hear it,” Magnus responded dryly. “Come on, let's go back before we freeze to death.”

“We’ve only been out of the house for half an hour, let’s stay a while longer.” Alec said taking his coat off, “Here, to keep you warm.” He said sitting up awkwardly and wrapping it around Magnus.

“You’ll just get cold.”

“I’m wearing a jumper I’ll be fine. Just take the coat.”

Magnus smiled at Alec as he put the coat on properly before laying back down on his chest. He was genuinely happy, as was Alec and he knew it. That was the main difference, he knew that right now he was the happiest that he’d been in the long term, and the crazy thing was, that he was pretty sure he’d been happy for a few weeks now, he just hadn’t realised it. It was a nice feeling, he thought to himself as the sky turned into a darker orange haze as the sun began to set, to know that things were good. Yes, they could be flipped on their head at any second, yes, things could always change, but this was the first time in his life that things had changed in a good way.


	7. Don't Leave Me Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone! 
> 
> This is the penultimate chapter of #TLITDfic, I really hope you are liking this story so far, this chapter was painful to write. 
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Self-harm and depression. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Amy x

 

Chapter 7: Don’t Leave Me Broken

_“The light leaves me terrified,_

_I hate when the darkness dies._

_Don’t you ever want to be brave?_

_It seems that we feel the same way._

_\- ‘Accident Without Emergency’ – Biffy Clyro._

 

* * *

The film played in the background as Magnus' eyes remained focused on the main attraction of the evening, Alec. His legs were slightly intertwined with his own as they both lay on opposite ends of the couch, a grin permanently on Alec’s face as he laughed at the slapstick comedy that the movie provided, Magnus couldn’t even remember the name of what they were watching anymore, he didn’t really care.

“Are you staring at me, Mr. Bane?”

Magnus was grateful for the light being off as his cheeks went red, “I was trying to get your attention, you’re hogging all the popcorn,” he said, the lie coming easily to him.

“Smooth,” Alec teased before throwing a handful in his direction, “Catch!”

Magnus laughed, “That was unfair, you didn’t even give me a warning. It’s also pitch black and you threw like 10 pieces at once.”

“Don’t be such a sore loser.”

“Is this a competition?” Magnus said, sitting up and taking the bowl off Alec’s lap then flopping back down in his position, “Coz we can make it one.”

Alec shook his head, only to be greeted by a shower of popcorn suddenly coming down over his face, “Now who's being unfair?”

“It’s called revenge.”

“Yeah? Well, you better watch out because you’ve unleashed a beast.”

The light flicked on, making the two boys squint their eyes from the contrast of the darkness they’d been submerged in for the past hour. “I’m going to have to kick you out or let the others in. The little ones are getting restless,” Hodge said, the sounds of kids bickering behind him.

“You said we could have the tv room to ourselves though?” Alec complained, clearly frustrated.

“Let’s not get into a fight over this. You’ve had it for an hour, the others want to watch tv too.”

“But-”

“-Alec, it’s fine. We have homework to do anyway,” Magnus said, he really couldn’t be bothered to witness Alec lose his shit over something so trivial and to spend the rest of the evening with him being in a bad mood.

Alec sighed and swung his legs off the couch, “Fine. I guess we can watch the rest another time.”

Back in Magnus’ bedroom, the two of them hunched themselves over the desk and continued with the essays that were due in following the weekend. Alec had been living in Sunnyside for nearly 6 months now and he had never remained this committed to schoolwork for such a long period of time, he probably wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for Magnus constantly reminding him to do it and tutoring him along the way. He would be forever grateful to him because he knew that his grades really had jumped up which was getting more and more into Sophie’s good books. He’d even been allowed to join the Herondale’s on a trip into the city one weekend.

Alec sighed, “Can you read over this? I don’t want to hand it in if it’s filled with errors, which it always is.”

“You’ve gotten so much better though. Pass it here.”

Alec slid the notepad across the desk and Magnus started to read through it, correcting any mistakes that he came across his handwriting neat in comparison to Alec’s lazy sprawl that was only just legible. Alec smiled as Magnus continued, he couldn’t help but admit to himself that he looked incredibly cute when he was working hard, his glasses on, his brow furrowed with concentration, it was kind of ‘nerd hot’, which wasn’t something he ever thought he’d be attracted to, but now apparently was. He rested his head on Magnus’ shoulder apprehensively.

“What are you doing?” Magnus asked, a slight shiver going down his spine from the unexpected physical contact. He didn’t look away from the paper though, he didn’t want it to seem like he was protesting, he kind of liked it.

“Just chillin’.”

“Okay, well I’m pretty much done. That was like the least mistakes you’ve ever made, and it was an interesting essay to read.”

“Thank you, Professor Bane.”

Magnus laughed and nudged Alec’s head off his shoulder, “You’re the one that’s thinking about being  a teacher, not me.”

There was a knock-on Magnus’ door, annoying the both of them as they quite enjoyed their evenings together in each other’s company, especially when the rest of the house was having movie or games night.

“Come in,” Magnus said, turning his head to address the guest. “Kayla? What can I do for you?”

The two of them watched, she seemed almost nervous to be talking to them both, “Do you guys want to play a board game? I know it’s weird that I’m asking you, but I can’t sit through another Disney movie…and I’m kind of bored out of my mind.”

“You have your review tomorrow don’t you?” Kayla nodded, “Come in, you’re alright with this aren’t you Alexander?”

“Yeah, sure. What’s a review?”

Kayla breathed a sigh of relief as she entered the room, revealing the box of monopoly in her hands. The three of them sat in a triangle on the floor.

“You haven’t had one?” Kayla asked.

“This is the first group home he’s been in. They tend not to care when you’re in foster care.”

“Lucky,” Kayla said, opening up the box and starting to count out the money.

“Neither of you have actually told me what it is yet.”

“It’s a yearly thing that they do. Basically, everyone that’s involved in your life either attends the meeting or comes up with a report and they asses ‘how you’re doing’ and what can be done to ‘make your life better’. They never really do anything though, it’s a waste of time and it’s basically an excuse to make you relive every traumatic event in your life so far,” Magnus said.

“Oh,” Alec replied, “I’m glad I haven’t had one then.”

“And Hodge literally brings everything with him, how many times you’ve done your chores, slept in, brushed your teeth. Seriously, how does he keep track of all this stuff?” Kayla inputted, before rolling the dice.

“It’s a fucking ball ache that’s what it is. You shouldn’t have anything to worry about though Kayla, you’re like the perfect resident of this house in Hodge’s eyes.”

Kayla shrugged, “In Hodge’s eyes maybe, but stuff went down at school recently and the thought of talking about that in a room full of strangers doesn’t sound appealing.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“Alexander. The rule.”

Kayla laughed, “No, it’s fine. A few of my friends caught me kissing this other girl in the bathrooms, they didn’t like it, they were bitches and I may or may not have gotten in a ‘cat-fight’ with one of them. According to my social worker, me slapping one person is enough out of character that it needs to be discussed in depth.”

“Just tell them it was a hate crime. They’ll be on your side then, although aren’t you like 12? Isn’t that too young to be making out in the bathroom?” Magnus said.

 Kayla rolled her eyes, “I’m 13 now and I was experimenting, I just wanted to be sure that I liked girls. But yeah, I’m going with the ‘homophobic’ angle, I just haven’t really come out to anyone yet, and don’t fancy doing it in a room full of strangers.”

“Well, you kind of just came out to us without thinking about it,” Alec inputted.

“He has a point.”

“It’s easy, you just have to own it, like this ‘I’m Alec Lightwood and I’m gay as hell!’” he exclaimed spreading his arms out widely in a dramatic gesture.

“Sometimes I question why I’m friends with you,” Magnus quipped, earning himself a cheeky grin from Alec that almost made him blush.

“Wait, you’re gay too?” Kayla asked. Alec nodded in response.

“And I’m bi,” Magnus said, gaining some kind of confidence from being surrounded by people like him. Alec smiled at him, whilst they hadn’t really talked about it much, he knew that it was unusual for Magnus to openly admit that without much thought.

“Well, that’s a coincidence,” Kayla said, a look of curiosity suddenly expressing her face, “Wait. Are you two?”

“No!” Magnus exclaimed suddenly.

Alec looked at Magnus in surprise, “Should I be offended? That was an awfully quick response.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

Alec grinned, “I know, chill.”

“I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t third wheeling,” Kayla inputted.

“Don’t worry, you’re not,” Magnus said, a smirk crossing his face as he made eye contact with Alec who still seemed to be amused by Magnus’ outburst. “Stop staring at me like that, you look like a serial killer.”

“How charming,” Alec said, “Come on. Let’s play.”

  

* * *

 

 

The next morning Magnus woke up with an aching feeling in his stomach, he was unsure if it was physical, or if was the same unnerving feeling that he got whenever he felt like things were about to go wrong. Whatever it was, he didn’t like it, which was why he continued to pull the covers over his head when Alec came barging into his room in an attempt to get him up to go for a walk to the park.

“Come on, up, up, up!”

“My stomach hurts,” Magnus moaned into his pillow.

“Have you been sick?”

“No.”

“Are you pissing out your arse?”

“You’re disgusting.”

“Then you’re fine!”

“Alexander!”

Alec flipped the sheets back then got into bed with Magnus and pulled them back over them both, it was a squeeze considering it was just a single bed but they both managed to fit. He lay his hand on his forehead, testing for the temperature. “You don’t seem hot.”

Magnus sighed, “You have got to be the most annoying person in this place.”

“What about Hodge?”

“The most annoying person in this place under the age of 30.”

“Thanks, Magnus, I don’t usually win awards.”

“Like I said… annoying.”

Magnus rolled over so that he was facing Alec, grinning before he pushed him out of the bed, “Get out of my room so I can get dressed.”

Alec raised his eyebrow suggestively, “I don’t have to-”

“-OUT!”

Magnus’ refusal to get out of bed actually ended up benefiting both of them as they headed down to make some breakfast. The younger kids had been up for hours and their dishes were already tidied up which meant that they had full reign of the kitchen without having to fight for their food.

“Do you want pancakes?” Magnus asked as he looked through the store cupboard for ingredients.

“Since when could you cook?”

“I’m a man of many talents.”

“Apparently so,” Alec said as he poured himself a glass of orange juice, “You want some?” Magnus nodded in response as Alec handed him a glass.

“Ah! I thought I heard the two of you in here!”

The two boys turned at the sound of Sophie’s voice, on a Sunday, miles across town from where she lived. This was either really good news, really bad news, or both but the ache that had suddenly returned in Magnus’ stomach didn’t give him much hope that it would be good news.

“Why are you here on a Sunday?” Magnus said bluntly.

“Nice to see you too Magnus. I actually wanted to speak to you, Alec.”

“What about?” Alec said.

Sophie smiled at Magnus before directing her attention back to Alec, “Come through to Hodge’s office.”

“Am I in trouble?” Alec asked he was always in trouble.

“No, you’re not in trouble. Magnus, I’ll come see you later okay?”

“About what?”

Sophie shrugged, “Life?” But Magnus could tell that she was lying.

Stirring the pancake mixture, pouring the batter onto the pan, waiting for them to cook, flipping them, plating them up, it all seemed to take forever as Magnus waited for Alec to return. Something was definitely up Sophie had looked almost excited when she had spoken to Alec, but the eye contact she’d made with Magnus seemed as though she was guilty or worried. She’d never been good at hiding the truth from him and it terrified Magnus to know that something was happening and that something might change.

Magnus had finished making the pancakes, eaten his own portion and Alec still hadn’t come out of his meeting, so he sloped his way back up to his bedroom and sat in his usual position with his back up against the wall, a book in his hands that he was barely reading because the pain in his stomach was becoming overwhelming, so much so that it was all he could think about. He’d never been good at compartmentalizing, he’s like to think he was, but everyone around him knew that he wasn’t.

“MAGNUS!” Alec’s familiar voice yelled from the bottom of the stairs, followed by a rush of footsteps and Magnus’ door swinging open.

Magnus jumped at the sound of the noise, his heart rate increasing as he put the book down on the side, “What’s going on?” he said, trying to sound calm, as though he hadn’t been overthinking for the past 45 minutes.

Alec’s face was lit up, beaming, practically blinding Magnus who seemed to be cast away in his own shadow on the corner of his bed. “I’m going to move in with Jace!”

Everything stopped.

Magnus’ mouth went painfully dry as his heart threatened to burst through his ribcage and explode onto the floor in front of him, his eyes brimming with tears that he didn’t have, his hands shaking but not moving at all. As though he was feeling everything at once but not feeling everything at all. A lump formed in his throat that he pushed down, “Th-that’s great Alexander,” he said, his voice quiet, croaky, lost.

“The Herondale’s are arriving in half an hour. Do you want to help me pack?”

Magnus shook his head, “No. I, I have stuff to do.”

Alec looked at Magnus who was avoiding eye contact with him at every possible moment, “I thought you’d be happy for me?”

Magnus smiled at the floor before pushing himself up off the bed and walking over to Alec, he was happy for him, of course, he was this was all he’d ever wanted…he just wished that he’d seen it coming, he should have seen it coming. This was part of the course for him, it was what always happened if anything, Alec leaving was the most predictable thing that had happened to him that whole year.  

“I am. I’m over the moon for you. I’m just,” he paused, “shit at goodbyes.”

Alec nodded and placed his hands-on Magnus’ shoulders, “This isn’t goodbye. It’s just an ‘I’ll see you soon’, we can facetime every night. It’ll be like nothing’s changed, you can help me with my home-school work and we can chat crap about our days…”

“You’re not staying at school?”

Alec shook his head, “Jace lives in the city, they home-school him, I can’t travel back and forth every day.”

“Yeah, no, that makes sense,” Magnus said, of course, he’d be moving schools too, why wouldn’t he be?

“Are you sure you don’t want to help me pack?”

“I’m sure. My stomach still hurts…I think I’m just going to go back to sleep.”

“Okay,” Alec said biting his lip, “Well, I’ll see you soon then?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Alec wrapped Magnus into a warm hug, “I’ll miss you,” he said into Magnus’ shoulder.

Magnus didn’t want to let go, he wanted to hold on for as long as possible, that way he wouldn’t lose everything good in his life again. But he knew he had to, he couldn’t stop him, he was happy for him, this was what every kid in care wanted, a chance to be with family and Alec was getting that. It was a good thing…it had to be a good thing he told himself. Yet, he knew all too well that this was the worst thing that had happened to him in years, a setback that he wasn’t sure he’d make through. He’d become dependent on Alec, to the extent that without him, he wasn’t sure if he knew how to survive. This was why he didn’t make friends, this was why he should have ignored Sophie the day that Alec arrived because now his heart was being turned to ash and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He’d caught feelings too quickly, and now he was living the consequences of that.

“Don’t be a stranger Alexander,” he said, his voice barely at a volume that could be heard as his so far invisible tears were starting to become visible as they threatened to roll down his cheeks.

“I couldn’t possibly.” Alec looked into Magnus’ eyes. Impulse taking over as he brought their heads together, locking lips with him, only briefly, but for long enough. There were no tongues, nothing racy, it was just a kiss, but for both of them it was their first and no one ever forgets their first kiss.  

“What was that for?” Magnus said confused…no one had ever kissed him, no one but his own mother. 10 years ago.

“I just wanted you to know that you were loved.”

“Alexander I-We, you’re leaving!”

“Not like that, well I suppose it kind of is like that.” Alec sighed as he tried to put his thoughts into words in a way that someone with as little confidence as Magnus would understand, “All I’m trying to say is that I’ve never had a friend like you, one that I love this much, that I really do, and always will care about.”

Friend. That was right. They were friends Magnus told himself, friends kiss, don’t they? He swallowed the lump in his throat, it was too much to think about, it didn’t matter, he’d be gone in half an hour anyway. This…kiss, it didn’t need to complicate things, it just needed to be forgotten, because if he didn’t forget it then it would only break him more than he already was.

“You should go pack. I’ll text you tonight,” Magnus said, forcing out a smile. He couldn’t be with him any longer, not without breaking down.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec leaving and leaving so suddenly was like being stabbed in the heart. Every step that he took out of Magnus’ bedroom was the knife being twisted further and further into his flesh. It wasn’t a pain that you could describe easily, how could anyone describe that? The pain of losing the only person that you actually cared about, that actually cared about you, and not for the first time either. Magnus had never been one to open his heart up to many people at once, even when his Mum was alive, he’d been a quiet child, different to most kids, a mummy’s boy and happy to play by himself. Since then, his life had been a series of closed doors in his face and the image of people walking away. That was why he’d closed his heart off for so many years, why he’d refused to grow attached to anyone that he engaged with because they always ended up leaving…they always would.

Sophie was apprehensive about speaking to Magnus, she’d known him 10 years, whilst Magnus thought he was the master of hiding his feelings, Sophie knew the kid well enough to see through absolutely everything. This though was different, this was her fault and she knew that Alec leaving, Magnus’ only friend, would rip the boys heart out all over again. It was a feeling of guilt that she didn’t think she’d ever shake, her job was hard she knew that, but this was one of the hardest decisions she’d ever made. Magnus had been in her care for 10 years, he was the first child that was assigned to her, she saw him almost like a son and she wanted the utmost best for him. But it was her job to keep families together when it was possible, so when the Herondale’s had said that they’d be happy to take in Alec, it was her job to say yes. Knowing that it would push Magnus to his limits, that yet again, he was the one that was losing.

“Magnus?” she said timidly, pushing the door open to his room that was in complete darkness, the light off and blinds shut despite it barely being noon. “Talk to me.” She headed over to the lump of sheets on the bed and sat next to him.

“I hate you.”

The words were like ice as Sophie registered them. She chewed on her lip apprehensively then put a hand on Magnus’ shoulder which instantly moved away from the contact. Revealing a pool of red on the white under sheets.

“Have you hurt yourself?”

Something flipped inside Magnus then, like the years of anger he’d been bottling up for the past three years were ready to spill out, he was a volcano and he was more than ready to erupt into a fit of rage that no one could control. He sat up suddenly, his eyes still puffy his cheeks red from being under the hot sheets for so long and his eyes almost black with anger.

“What do you fucking think Sophie? WHAT DID YOU FUCKING THINK WOULD HAPPEN?” He said wincing as the sheets grazed against his cut.

“Magnus, you need to calm down.”

“DON’T FUCKING TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU TOLD ME TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH HIM AND I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU!” Tears fell in torrents down his cheeks, like they’d never stop, he wasn’t sure if he wanted them to stop, because if they did, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever feel anything again.

“HODGE!” Sophie yelled, this wasn’t a situation that she could handle on her own, Magnus hadn’t been this angry, this chaotic in years and she knew that it had the potential to escalate into a fight. She needed Hodge just in case he ended up hurting someone, or more importantly, himself. “Magnus, we can talk about this later, but I need to sort out your arm.”

“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MY ARM, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING, JUST LIKE YOU CLEARLY DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME!”

“Magnus take a breath,” Hodge said entering the room.

“OR WHAT? YOU’LL RESTRAIN ME?” Magnus continued to yell as he got up, squaring up to Hodge, threatening to fight him. “I WON’T LET YOU! I WON’T-“ Hodge wrapped his arm around Magnus’ shoulders trying to avoid the infliction as he held Magnus’ struggling body in place.

“YOU TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME SOPHIE! EVERYTHING!”

“You know that’s not true Magnus.”

“ISN’T IT?”

“I know you’re upset, but you’re going to have to chill out a bit for me, I don’t want you hurting yourself,” Hodge coached, it wasn’t his place to say much more, this was between Magnus and Sophie, he just needed to be the muscle.

“IT’S A BIT FUCKING LATE FOR THAT ISN’T IT? IT’S NOT LIKE YOU EVEN CARE? I’M JUST ANOTHER STATISTIC FOR THE BOOKS, A MESSED-UP KID THAT PROBABLY WON’T MAKE IT TO ADULTHOOD BECAUSE THE SYSTEM IS SO FUCKED AND BECAUSE MY LIFE IS COMPLETE AND UTTER PIECE OF SHIT!”

“Magnus, your life is not a piece of shit. We care about you, more than you know,” Sophie said, her voice defeated, it was hard to argue with him when she was partly to blame for how he was feeling.

“NO YOU FUCKING DON’T!” Magnus' voice cracked as his body became too exhausted to fight Hodge’s overbearing power for any longer, “No, no, you fucking don’t. How can anyone care about me…when I don’t even care about myself?”

Hodge let Magnus’ body collapse onto his own, holding him in a tight grip as the remainder of his tears all came out at once, a lifetime’s worth of pain and anguish offloading at once, “You’re alright bud. We’ve got you. We’re here for you.”

He wasn’t sure if he’d ever feel happy again, heck, he hadn’t even noticed that he was happy until the source of that was gone. It was a funny thought, that he’d spent his whole life miserable, so miserable that when things had started to change he’d not really payed attention to it. Alexander Gideon Lightwood had come into his life like a tidal wave, he’d disturbed the equilibrium, he’d made him laugh, he’d even made him feel happy and now…he was gone and the devastation that the wave had left behind was worse than anything that was there before it arrived.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus spent the next few weeks in bed before he finally got a visitor other than Hodge, he didn’t turn to look at Kayla as she set up a simple game of snakes and ladders on his bedroom floor. But there was something about the way that she wasn’t forcing him to engage, that she hadn’t spent the whole time staring at his bandaged arm and had just gone about her business that made him join her on the floor. Maybe doing something other than lying in bed would make his heart hurt just a little less.

The two of them played in silence for a few minutes, the only sound being the rolling of the dice on the board and the repetitive sound of the counters moving place, up the ladders, down the snakes.

Kayla cleared her throat, “You loved him didn’t you?”

Magnus swallowed and rolled the dice, “I don’t think I know what love is.”

“I think you do.”

Magnus looked down at the dice, “11,” he said quietly, moving his counter to the winning square. “Do you want to play again?”

Kayla shook her head, “Let’s end this with you winning Magnus.”

“It’s a board game, Kayla. It doesn’t mean anything.”

She shrugged flippantly, “One who doesn’t throw the dice can never expect to score a six.”

“That’s profound for a 13-year-old.”

Kayla smiled, “You don’t deserve to feel this shitty Magnus. You’re clever and you’re actually a really nice guy, you could make something of yourself. You just need to take a leap of faith. Alec’s still your friend Magnus, just because he’s not living here anymore doesn’t mean that things will change between the two of you.”

Magnus nodded, “I just need time, a lot of it.”

“Well, I’m not going anywhere. Seriously, I told my social worker that I don’t want to be adopted anymore, I’m sick of moving around. So, if you ever need to talk, then you know where I am.”

“You’re 13, you shouldn’t be dealing with my problems.”

Kayla smiled, “We’re in care Magnus. We deal with stuff that kids our age shouldn’t deal with all the time. Don’t think about what I should be dealing with, think about what _you_ need for once, and if that’s a chat with me, then know that I’m here.”

“You’re a good kid Kayla.”

She shrugged, “I know,” she said grinning.

Once Kayla was gone Magnus got back into bed, ready to let himself be absorbed by the massive Alexander-shaped hole that was in his heart, but there was something about what Kayla had said that stopped him from drowning in his own misery straight away. He’d been through so much in his life and he reminded himself of that every day, how many times had he rolled the dice and scored something crappy, the number must have been in its thousands. Maybe it was just gamblers fallacy, but there was a part of him that thought that he was due to roll a six, and even if he didn’t, what was the harm in trying? He was already at rock bottom and all you can go from there…is up.

 


	8. Rolling A Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone!
> 
> So this is the final chapter of #TLITDfic, I really enjoyed reading your comments last night, it made my day and I'm sorry for all the angst! Hopefully, this chapter repairs some of that for you! 
> 
> Trigger Warnings: mention of self-harm. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> Amy x

 

Chapter 8: Rolling A Six

_“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone._

_You won’t find glory at the center of safety, but at its edge._

_You won’t find love at a place where you are covered,_

_But in the space where you are exposed._

_You gotta take some risks._

_You have to not only pick up the dice, but roll’em._

_So go ahead, take the gamble._

_You have nothing to lose except the chance to win._

_Life is not long enough to spend it on the sidelines.”_

_-  Neale Donald Walsch._

* * *

 

 

Alec turned on the tv in his apartment, pulling on a hoodie as he simultaneously switched it to the local news channel, a morning routine that was completely pointless as he never actually watched the news. It was just white noise in his ears. He headed into the kitchen which was in the same room as the living room and the same room as his bedroom, apparently being a middle school math teacher didn’t pay well enough for anything remotely fancy in the city, but it would do. It was his own. He flicked down the kettle and poured himself a bowl of cereal, adding a fair amount of milk, he liked it a bit soggy, before he flopped down on the couch.

“A Brooklyn based author has made a name for himself with his debut book ‘Learning to Live’ that follows his journey from a children’s home in Brooklyn through to the present day. At only 25 years old, Magnus Bane has…”

Alec froze, he hadn’t heard that name in years, but hearing it now brought back memories that seemed impossible to quell. He put the bowl down and turned the volume up as loud as it could go, he was an author… he’d actually gone and done it, just like Alec had always thought he would.

“So, Magnus,” the news broadcaster said, “This is the last stop of your book tour? Tell me, what’s it like to be back in your home state?”

The camera panned to Magnus, he was wearing black pants a floral print shirt, eyeliner, his glasses and there was a tint of red in his hair. He looked exactly the same as Alec remembered him, except if anything, he seemed as though he was more himself. A feeling of pride swept over Alec as he listened to Magnus speak, he’d achieved his dreams, just like he deserved.

“It’s great. It’s been a long couple of weeks on the road, so it was nice to have my own bed last night!”

“What are your plans following the success of your debut?”

“I’m going to get back into writing. I have plenty of ideas that I can’t wait to put down on paper.”

“Can you tease anything for us?”

The smile that used to be so rare to see swept across Magnus’ face, making Alec smile with him, “Perhaps a tale of lost love.”

“Well, I for one can’t wait to read your next novel. Thank you so much for coming in to speak with us this morning.”

“It was my pleasure.”

“Okay, next up…”

Alec turned down the volume and ran his hand through his hair. A pang of guilt suddenly attacking his stomach as the thought of the times he’d spent with Magnus ate away at him, it had been so long, it must have been what? 7years? Since he’d last spoke to him and things had changed so much for them both. They hadn’t officially fallen out or anything like that, they were both pretty sure that they could never hate each other, not when they would always care so deeply. But it was just one of those things, they’d grown apart naturally like friends sometimes do.

When Alec had moved in with the Herondale’s he’d text Magnus every single day without fail, he tried his best to keep in contact with him, but Magnus never replied, not for the first month anyway. After some time he did receive the odd message from Magnus, but it was telling that he was struggling, and Alec knew that it was probably his fault, he knew Magnus inside out and it was obvious that he was pushing him away to protect himself. He’d have gotten on a train or drove to find Magnus, but he didn’t have the means, the Herondale’s provided a roof over his head but they made it clear that he wasn’t their son. Which meant that Alec was trapped in New York City with no money and no way to make Magnus feel better. Over time the texts that Alec sent became less frequent, his life wasn’t exactly going the way that he wanted to and ultimately, there was only so many times he could text someone and not get a reply. He had to move on for himself more than anything, which hurt, but at the same time, it was a part of life. You grow up, you make new friends and you start a new chapter, yes, it would have been nice if Magnus was a part of that chapter, but sometimes, things just don’t turn out how you planned them, and that’s okay.

There was something about seeing him though, the person that had made his 16th year almost bearable, the first person to really give him a hint of hope that his life could be turned around. He couldn’t ignore the drive inside him, he had to see him again, their friendship meant way too much to him to let it disappear once again. So many years had passed, and Magnus looked good, he looked healthy and happy, he’d made something of himself, so maybe it was time to introduce himself back into his life. He picked up his laptop from the coffee table and quickly searched for Magnus’ name, looking through the dates and venues of his book tour, Barnes and Nobel, 1 pm. He made a note on his phone and pushed himself up of the couch. His heart racing as he thought about finally seeing the boy that had such a profound impact on his life once more.

 

* * *

 

 

As Alec neared the front of the queue for the signing he couldn’t help but feel as though his heart was literally about to bust out of his chest at any moment. His hands were shaking as he gripped the copy of the book tighter to try and hide his nerves, this seemed like a great idea at 8 am in the morning, but now the fear of rejection was starting to plague his mind. What didn’t help was how majestic and regal Magnus looked sat up on the stage, a pen in hand, a smile of his face as he thanked the group of girls that were in front of him. He was so confident, and it looked really, really good on him.

“Up you go,” the man in charge of monitoring the queue said.

Alec smiled at him awkwardly as he walked up to the table that Magnus was behind. Magnus was looking down at a piece of paper scanning it for some information, clearly in his own world as the familiar furrowed brow highlighted the level of concentration.

He cleared his throat, “I told you writing wasn’t a rich man's job,” he said, mustering the only remaining bit of confidence that he had left.

Magnus looked up instantly at the sound of the voice that may have been ever so slightly deeper but was still recognisable in seconds to him, “Alexander,” he whispered.

“Hey,” he said.

Alec smiled, fuck, that smile Magnus thought to himself. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

It was the first thing that came to his head, he didn’t know what to say, the boy that he was pretty sure he used to love, the boy that he’d pushed away was right there in front of him. He didn’t seem mad or annoyed at him like Magnus thought he would be if they ever crossed paths again, he just seemed like Alexander. His Alexander, the same person that he always was, the boy that text him every day for a year despite Magnus not replying, the boy that tried his best not to let him push him away.

“I’d say I didn’t either, but I kind of did.”

A smirk formed across Magnus’ face, “Are you stalking me?” he teased, loosening up at Alec’s slight joke.

Alec shrugged, “I saw your interview this morning. Looks like you’re doing well for yourself.”

Magnus smiled and took the book out of Alec’s hand and scribbled something in it.

“I don’t need your signature Magnus, I wanted to see you.”

“I know,” Magnus nodded, “I can’t talk now, but meet me in a couple of hours?” he turned the book, so Alec could read it.

“I’d love that.”

“Who’d have thought it? Lifers like us meeting at a book signing.”

“How the tables have turned.”

“I’ll see you later Alexander. I don’t want to keep anyone waiting too long.”

Alec nodded, “Of course.”

Magnus ran his hand through his hair as Alec stepped down from the stage, grinning as he walked away, feeling as though he was 16 again. That week at the knees feeling that he used to get whenever Alec comforted him or made him laugh, that warm feeling in his heart that reminded him about how much he cared about Alec and how much Alec had cared about him. It was a lot, and the emotions had hit him like a truck at full velocity, but after 7 years apart, a lot of therapy, and a tad more self-esteem than he used to have, he was ready to embrace those emotions and see what would happen if he followed them.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus bit his lip apprehensively as he pushed open the door to the bar that he’d told Alec to meet him at, he couldn’t help but feel as though he was presumptuous to ask Alec in the first place. They hadn’t spoken in years and that was his fault, but as Alec had said, the tables had turned, they weren’t fucked up teenagers in a care home anymore. They were adults, Magnus had made a name for himself and Alec had looked as though he was doing well too. Who was to say that things would be the same? Especially when they had both changed so much.

“Magnus!” Alec called over from the booth that he’d picked out.

Magnus smiled and headed over to him, “I was worried you wouldn’t show,” he said as he slid onto the seat opposite Alec.

“I was worried you wouldn’t, what with you being a celebrity and all.”

The joke broke the ice, just like they always did in the old days, “I wouldn’t say I was a celebrity. My book did well, that’s all.”

“You’re as modest as ever,” Alec said, staring into the deep brown eyes that he’d almost forgotten were so enrapturing. “I’m so proud of you.”

“You know what? I’m proud of me too.”

“Wow, I never thought I’d hear you give yourself a compliment.”

Magnus laughed, “Trust me, it took a lot of therapy.” He looked down at the scar on his wrist that was slightly bigger than the ones that were on his upper arm. “Anyway. What about you? You look good, what are you doing with your life?”

“I’m a maths teacher, middle schoolers.”

Magnus beamed with pride, “Geez, we really have both gotten what we wanted out of life haven’t we?”

“I suppose so,” the waiter placed two bottles of beer on the table, “I wasn’t sure what you wanted, so I ordered a beer? You can get something else if you want.”

“Beer’s great.”

Magnus held up the bottle and clinked it against Alec’s, “To a new start?”

Alec nodded, “To a new start.”

The afternoon quickly became evening as the two of them continued to talk as though they’d barely been apart for seconds, the bond that they both had ran so deep that even spending 7 years away from each other didn’t change a thing. There was a lot to catch up on, they’d missed so much of each other’s lives, but it was nice. For the first time in a long time, both of them were at a point where they were genuinely happy, living the lives that they had created for themselves. There was no worry about getting beaten up or getting in a fight or not wanting to get out of bed in the morning lingering over their interactions. They were free, content, more than content actually and it was refreshing to just talk with no lingering worries or concerns about the other person.

“So, any hot boys in your life?” Magnus asked as he took a sip of his drink.

Alec laughed, “Unfortunately my love life so far has been so much of a train wreck that it is now none existent. You?”

“Pretty much the same, there’s just no one that lives up to my expectations.”

“Maybe you should lower them? At least then you could get some action?”

“This is coming from someone with a none existent love life?”

“My love life may be none existent, but my sex life…”

Magnus shook his head in amusement, “You really have come into yourself haven’t you?”

“A man has needs, Magnus.”

Magnus watched Alec for a few minutes as he started picking at the nuts that they’d ordered to snack on. “That kiss, when you left?”

“What about it?” Alec said, smiling slightly. It was obvious what Magnus was talking about.

“Why did you do it?”

Alec wanted to repeat what he’d said that day, that he loved Magnus, as a friend, but he was older now. He knew that deep down that wasn’t why he’d kissed Magnus goodbye, and he couldn’t deny himself his feelings again, not when the incredibly attractive boy that he had fallen in love with was sat right in front of him.

“Because I loved you,” he stopped for a second, “I think I still do.”

Magnus swallowed, “As a friend right?”

“I don’t know, I think I was lying to myself back then.”

“You _loved,_ loved me? And now you _love_ , love me?” Magnus questioned, his self-esteem wasn’t so sky high that he could believe stuff on first word, he still needed reassurance.

“You’re making me sound like a creep.”

“No,” Magnus reassured, “It’s not creepy. We were young, everything’s confusing when we’re young. We make mistakes.”

“What are you saying?”

“I was so fucked up back then, I don’t think I even knew what love was.”

Alec nodded, “You’re really fucking hot you know?”

Magnus laughed, “That’s rich considering you may as well be a Calvin Klein model.”

“Are you flirting with me, Magnus Bane?”

“I think that’s obvious.”

Alec laughed, his cheeks flushing red slightly, “This is so weird.” Magnus got up from his seat and sat down next to Alec. “What are you doing?”

“A scientific experiment.”

“A-”

Alec didn’t have time to question anything as Magnus’ lips were suddenly locked with his own, their body’s moving in waves against each other as they let themselves fully succumb to the power of the emotion. Neither of them pulled away, they moved they intertwined they kissed with the same intensity as the heat of the sun, the pull of the tide, a fire burning inside them. Magnus put his arm around Alec’s neck, trying to bring him as close to him as possible, they both knew that this was the moment that really would change their lives forever. It wasn’t the type of kiss that you had in a nightclub when you’d had a few too many drinks, it was something different, something cosmic that was setting off a raging fire in both of them.

Alec pulled away, “Do you want to come back to mine? I have more beer.”

Magnus lipped his lips, “This isn’t weird is it?”

“Far from it. I feel as though the world has been waiting for this moment for a long time.”

“Then let’s go.”

Magnus took hold of Alec’s hand and led him out of the bar, hitching down a cab. Both of them were both in a fury of love, passion, so much so that they didn’t really know much about what was going on, that they’d lost all sensibility. There was one thing that they knew for sure though, that they desperately wanted to be together.

 

* * *

 

 

The sun dowsed Alec’s apartment in a golden haze as it warmed them through the small window above Alec’s bed. They hadn’t expected the previous night to turn out the way it had, they’d wanted to take things slow, but it must have been something in the stars that told them that wasn’t possible. As after a few more beers they’d found their bodies connected together in a passion that filled every crevice, every inch of their being. They were in love, it may sound stupid, they’d not seen each other in years, but it was an undeniable fact, like 1 + 1 = 2, or the grass being green and the sky being blue. And when love comes knocking, it often doesn’t leave any choice other than to open up the door.

Magnus squinted as he opened his eyes, his arm was draped over Alec’s chest, his head buried in pillows that smelt like Alec.

“Morning,” Alec said, reaching out, and running his hand through Magnus’ hair slowly and carefully, to keep it out of his eyes.

“Morning, Alexander.”

Alec smiled at the sound of his full name, 7 years on and Magnus was still the only person to ever call him by it. “Come here,” he said, “I don’t want you to go just yet.”

Magnus hummed in contentment as he let Alec half lift him so that he was lying on his chest, “Me neither,” he said, trailing his fingers along Alec’s abs.

“Do you remember the last time we shared a bed?”

“I’d rather not remember that day Alexander,” Magnus responded, looking down at his wrist which seemed to light on fire whenever he thought about the day Alec left, as did the scar on his arm.

Alec noticed where Magnus’ attention was drawn to, “Was that because of me?”

Magnus shook his head, “No, not really. Yes, it triggered the act, but I was depressed as fuck, it was an imbalance of hormones that made me do it, not you.”

Alec dipped his head and kissed the top of Magnus’ “Are you good now, is it still a problem?”

“3 years clean.”

“I’m so proud of you,” Alec said, squeezing Magnus tighter.

“You keep on saying that but look at you. You have your own place, a stable job, when was the last time you punched someone?”

Alec laughed, “I don’t know, maybe when I was 19.”

“See, that’s an improvement isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

Magnus wrapped his legs around Alec, kind of like a koala, wanting as much of his body to be touching Alec’s, that way he couldn’t get away, that was the plan anyway. “How was it living with Jace?”

Alec swallowed, “It was…interesting.”

“How come?”

“I didn’t end up living there very long. I was there for a year or so, but I didn’t fit into the Herondale image, so they kicked me out, and inevitably, I kicked off.”

“Alexander, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, it was my fault. I was a dick to them, just like I was with every other foster family. Anyway, Sophie sent me to another care home when I was 17 but it was one of those ones that’s more like a prison, every kid in there was so fucked up. It wasn’t like Sunnyside in the slightest.”

“Shit Alec, that sucks.”

Alec sighed, “It did, but it straightened me out.”

“It _straightened_ you out?” Magnus laughed.

“Poor word choice, but you know what I mean. I calmed down, I put effort into school and managed to get a scholarship to do my teaching degree. I’d probably have been fucked if I stayed with Jace.”

“Well, I’m just glad you got what you wanted.”

“I am too. Look at us, it’s like we’ve finally got lives that aren’t constructed around whenever we’re next going to lose our shit.”

Magnus grinned before climbing on top of Alec and kissing him, “We should go on a proper date, somewhere cute and romantic. I mean, if you want to.”

Alec laughed at Magnus’ backtracking, “Magnus, you’re currently on top of me and shirtless, of course, I want to,” he said reaching behind Magnus' neck and pulling him in for another kiss, “And I know the perfect place,” he continued.

His mind drifted back to the park where they’d had ice cream and spent hours lying on the net swing and looking at the stars, it was the only place that they shared together that didn’t have any negative connotations. Even Magnus had said that he just wanted happy memories to be there, yes it was a random park in the middle of Brooklyn and wasn’t anything special. But, it had the potential to become their place, and Alec was desperate to make that for them.

The two of them spent the rest of the morning lazily lying in bed, cuddling, holding each other, making out, making the most, of every minute that they’d had together. Or maybe they were making up for all the time that they had spent apart. Either way, there was nothing that was going to break them, not anymore. They used to be two broken boys, their hearts completely submerged in darkness, with what they thought was no possibility of a future or total happiness. But, when they met, a light had been turned on inside both of them and even though things hadn’t gone the way they planned them to and that they had been forced apart at the worst time possible…that light, it never really went out.

 


End file.
